Hope you haven't been welcomed already, ExperimentalSubject, else you're gonna be quite crispy...

Exits are located here, here, here, here, everywhere! Only thing is, they're all blocked. There are 4th dimensional exits, but we can't find them. We advise you to stay out of the air ducts, as they are home to
Carl the Shivan. If you do find him, throw him your lunch and pray he takes it. If you feel inclined to fight him, you can get a plasma rifle or shotgun from the weapons locker. We ask that you take one of the pre-bloodied ones though, as not to get the shiny new ones dirty. (That's assuming you can even get into the locker, it's keyed only for admins, a

god, or a
Hyper-Intelligent Shade of Blue.) Also, don't combine the letters "F," "3," and "S" in any order, as we will use our flamethrowers on you. However, due to ongoing political debates, evolution, and the existence of God*, the napalm has been replaced with holy water. Enjoy your stay at HLP!
*The God referenced in this Welcome Speech
TM may or may not be your God. Differences between your God and my God may vary.
My first Welcome! Yay!
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Bob, your room is crazy. I have never seen such a combination of stuff...Do you receive disaster aid from the state 'cause you live there?