Ah, well, hmm, maybe someone should give him the welcome speech...
Gunnery Control, commence plasma core insertion; target Maniax... sensor lock aquired; Fire!

Welcome to HLP. Exits are to the sides and rear. In the event of an emergency, your seat can be used as an emergency flotation device, and there are flamethrowers in the footlockers in front of you. (I should probably take the to mention that we're out of napalm, so you'll have to use the flamethrower as a cudgel; and quite frankly, no one is quite sure why you'd need a flotation device in deep space)
In the event of true catastrophy, defined as the apocalypse, assault on the forum by alien life, or the mention of efF esS thr33 (in that order), there are plasma rifles and heavy munitions in the lockers up front; these can be opened only by the admins,

, God, or a hyperintelligent shade of the color blue.
If you encounter a strange, red, five-limbed creature while exploring the ventilation system, set down your lunch and back away slowly. If you're lucky, it's only Carl, our resident Shivan, if you're lucky, he won't be too hungry. If you're not so fortunate, you can expect to get atomized by a plasma beam or worse: dragged into a politics or religion thread.
Enjoy your stay!