I have stated, and others have stated, repeatedly, that there is nothing wrong with the welcome beam per se. The problem is with the welcome itself. The point of a welcome is to ease a newbie's transition into the forum, answer their questions, and solve their problems. Spamming them with irrelevant information (including in-jokes that they won't understand) and then running away, leaving them helpless, is completely counterproductive.
Since allowing people to discuss this seems to have confused the issue more than clarified it, I am closing this thread.