Author Topic: Need criticism on a piece of writing.  (Read 1007 times)

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Need criticism on a piece of writing.
Hello, Hard Light! I'm a Freespace fan as well, but my primary concern at this moment is a piece of writing I have.
Long story made short, I'm going to be attempting to write and publish my first book. The idea for what to write hit me at a rather late hour, so this is incredibly cheesy in my opinion  :D
My basic goal with this piece was to give me something that I could work up to, something to base my story off of; a starting point, if you will. This is in no way close to the finished piece, but rather a rush job of somewhat how I wanted the story to... end?
Enough of my rambling though.
Basic backstory necessary to know what's going on: the story is about a computer hacker going under the tag "Unknown Factor", being chased by the FBI. A mathematician named "Andrew", and his boss (who I'm calling Cunningham for now) hunt him down throughout the book. This is the end where said hacker has been caught. Weee, happy endings.
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   The newspaper lay face down on Cunningham's desk. The bold lettering on the top held no secrets in its message; Unknown Factor Caught. Cunningham paid little regard to the newspaper, which was tidy as always. The most visible items were his polished gold plate resting precariously near the edge, the state-of-the-art computer adorning the side. The stack of papers had seemingly grown, but Cunningham still managed to keep up with the ever steady flow of work. Sunlight flooded into the room, creating a dazzling display of light on the ornate carpet upon which the King's throne sat. A knock resounded on the cherry wood door.
   "Come on," said Cunningham, who did not shift his gaze away from his monitor.
   Andrew stepped into the office. He took a good look around; everything was in its place, like always. "You wanted to see me, sir?"
   "Ah, the hero the hour. You've been getting fan mail, I hear," Cunningham said. He looked up from his monitor and pushed his glasses back onto his nose.
   Andrew frowned and responded, "A bit too much, sir."
   "Yeah, well, I've got to say, I didn't think you could do it," Cunningham said in a complimenting tone.
   Andrew nodded silently and said, "I heard about your promotion."
   "Bah, that business. They want to make me Deputy Director of the Cyber Terrorism unit. It's you they should be looking for though."
   "I'd take up their offer, but it's not my sort of thing," Andrew sighed.
   "Sticking to your silly numbers?"
   "You know what they say; home is where the heart is."
   "Well I can't stand your calculus mumbo-jumbo. Do me a favor and keep your crazy equations to yourself."
   Andrew was silent.  He stared at the book case situated behind the desk, filled with books on law and U.S. history.
   "Andrew, let me ask you something," Cunningham spoke after several moments of silence.
   "Sir?"
   "Does working for the FBI make you proud?"
   "Well, I..." Andrew thought for a moment. He didn't know if it made him proud. To him, it was just a job. Andrew finally responded, "Well, I won't deny I'd rather be teaching in a university."
   Cunningham silently nodded. "You definitely would be better off as a professor."
   The two men were quiet for a moment. Cunningham studied Andrew with his all-knowing eyes. He detected that desire in Andrew's eyes.
   "I'm not much for small talk, Andrew. And I sure as hell know you'd be better off in a university. Hell, you probably would get paid twice as much to teach some crazy number-crunching to bright-eyed bushy-tailed kids. I'm doing you a favor. You're fired."
   Andrew gaped at Cunningham with a puzzled look on his face. "Sir?"
   "You heard me. You're fired. For no good reason, other than that you don't belong here. Go on. Get out of here. Go teach at some fancy Ivy League academy. They'll be happy to see you."
   It took Andrew a moment to find the words to respond, but when he did they came out in fragments of thanks. "Thank you sir! I didn't... expect this!"
   "Bah, quit your blabbering. I'm not a man of many words; I don't have anything else to say. Dismissed!"
   Andrew turned to leave, but he stopped for a moment. He turned back around and said "Sir?"
   Cunningham looked up again at Andrew.
   "It was the Untouchables. The television show you couldn't remember?"
   Cunningham slightly smiled and nodded. Andrew returned the nod and walked out of the office.
   "Another day of worked ahead..." Cunningham sighed.
THE END
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So please, rate the cheese! Be as hostile or as kind as you want, I can take criticism. I think it sucks horribly, but maybe I'm too hard on myself. But do tell me your thoughts. Could you stand it? Or did it just suck?
And ^^; I know it's too short. Ignore the length for the moment, please.
Thank you in advance!