Good first try, but needs some serious work:
Briefing screen is a bit cluttered. Try spacing the icons out a bit.
Player's loadout is not limited at all. Multiplayer weapons should not be available in a single player mission.
Why the **** are there Shivan fighters guarding the Iceni?
How is the Iceni even alive? It got blown up in FS2!
Give the enemies proper names. "Help" and "Bombers" are not proper wing names. Try using the zodiac ("Aquarius", "Cancer", etc) for wing names.
No backgrounds.
Not spellchecked.
Too many wingmen. The mission practically plays itself. Limit the numbers on the good guys' side.
Why would Command send only a single corvette to attack an Iceni-class frigate? The Iceni-class outguns the Deimos, big-time. And why would the corvette be damaged at the start anyway? Command would send a full-health corvette.
Enemy bombers jump in waaay too far out. Makes it too easy to intercept them. Have them jump in... say three times closer, at least.
Don't understand the presence of those asteroids that just blow up right at the start.
Why are the enemies jumping in at the start? Shouldn't they already be there?
Lack of any kind of background story.
I know I must sound harsh, but a good mission is much harder to put together than you may first think. I reccomend reading
this, as well. You make some of the mistakes mentioned there.
Oh, yes, and:
