I should probably leave the satire to Swift but he'd dead and I'm not so here goes.......
Turning to his class, the professor said, 'My wish is that you might understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He spared not His only Begotten Son, but gave Him up for us all, for the whole Church, now and forever. Whether or not we choose to accept His gift to us, the price has been paid.'
Wouldn't you be foolish and ungrateful to leave it lying on the desk?
At this point Professor Alan Theist comes in from next door. Theist has seen Christianson's demonstrations before and has noticed some rather large flaws each time. Professor Theist suggests that any of the students who wish to get a head start on the advanced ethics course (which unlike the Freshman course isn't forced on everybody) may wish to come to the lecture hall next door and hear a counterpoint.
At this point some of the students collect their bags immediately and move. Some think about it and decide to go over. Others decide to turn on some loud music in the lecture hall so they party with Christianson and can't possibly hear anything from next door.
In the advanced ethics lecture hall Prof. A. Theist starts his lecture. "The biggest problem I have with Christanson, is that he expects you all to be perfect. Whenever someone fails to be perfect in my class I don't assume that they deserve to be punished. As long as you tried hard that's good enough for me.
Furthermore if pretty much everyone fails I wonder if maybe I might be the problem. I set everything up. If the whole class has disappointed me then maybe it's my fault for doing things in the wrong way. If people are skipping my classes maybe my lecturing style is too boring. If people are failing my tests maybe I shouldn't schedule them the day after the superbowl. Yeah Steve managed not to make any mistakes but we all know that Christianson was helping him more than the rest of you. It's easy to be perfect when you're getting help like that. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty for minor mistakes I might make if I was on my own."
"Let me ask you a question. When you got stuck with Christianson's course how many of you tried to find him and ask for help?"
Quite a few hands go up from those in the class.
"How many of you actually got an answer?"
Only a few hands remain up. The professor points to Fiona, one of the girls who still has a hand in the air. "What answer did you get?"
"Well I went to his office but the door was locked" Fiona says "So I shouted "Dr Christianson? Are you there?" but I didn't get any answer so I said "I've got a problem with my essay" and at that point I'm sure I heard a voice say something that sounded like 4th floor. So I went to the 4th floor of the library and found a book that helped me. So I guess that must have been him in the office"
"Are you sure?" says the professor, "How do you know it wasn't the Janitor or the radio?"
"Well I got the right answer" says Fiona "so it must have been him"
"Okay, in that case let me ask everyone. Did anyone actually definitely see Dr. Christianson when they had a problem? I don't mean maybe hear his voice through a door, I mean actually physically see him."
All the hands in the audience stay down this time.
"So in other words despite his need for you all to pass every test and hand in work of high quality, when you needed him he either wasn't there or gave advice that was hard to understand or interpret? What about his notes? Were they easy to follow?"
There's a general shaking of heads. The professor points at one of the male students. "What was the problem with them, Thomas?"
"The second semester notes completely contradicted the ones from the first, sir. They said that a whole bunch of things weren't ethical but the second semester notes said that they were all fine."
The professor nods. "And the second semester is when Steve took over as Christianson's RA, right? Christianson insists that none of the earlier stuff was wrong, simply that the new stuff he collaborated on with Steve supersedes it. So lets have another show of hands, given all that how many of you still feel that making mistakes was all your own fault?"
Only a few hands go up this time.
"Keeping that in mind, let's move on to Steve's so called sacrifice. Christianson said that the only way you could have an end of term party was to be perfect even though he knew you couldn't be. In fact given the poor quality, incomplete notes he gave you it was a forgone conclusion that many of you would fail tests. But despite the fact that Christianson should know that deep down he is the one to blame for that failure he insists that you shouldn't have failed and decides to attach a ridiculous penalty to that failure.
"But then having decided that maybe you could come to his party after all Christianson decides that Steve can do the penalty instead. Did Christianson decide to allow you to do the penalty? Scott, you tried. What was his response?"
Scott stands up and replies that Christianson wouldn't let him.
"Yeah, funny that." says the professor "He let last years class do the push ups themselves. In fact he had a whole chart up on the board detailing exactly how to do them. In fact, I think it's in your first semester notes somewhere. You'd think he'd offer people the choice rather than obligating them to feel guilty to Steve. I guess he likes them feeling guilty to him and he feels that it's a better system than dropping this entire punishment system and simply giving everyone a donut."