TL;DR WARNING! skip to the **
Being near the end of highschool, I've been through or at least been exposed to pretty much all that puberty has to throw at you. The only thing I really have remaining to face in my teen years is alcohol. So everyone can relate to me (well all over 113 guys here which is probably like 90% of the people here) when I talk about that subtle shift of girls from "annoying, noisy and strange" to "people" to "attractive". That's not what I'm talking about now. What I brought that up for was to say that happened several years ago and I'm basically at the point where you start contemplating relationships. Y'know, actual, lasting, more than just friends stuff. Past pubescent lust and into actual love. That's also not what I'm talking about. I know what you're thinking, I'm not asking for relationship advice in a ridiculously roundabout way. No, I have an 'abnormal' view I need to discuss.
See there was this girl I met a little while back. She was not really that much of a looker but was really smart and pretty fun to be around and so we started to be friends. Then as two years went by, she lost the braces, got contacts, her hair naturally changed to looking good rather than mousy and she ...filled out so shall we say >_>. Now I've known her for a while and it turns out we're into a lot of the same stuff and get along really well together and I started really being attracted to her. Like before we were just friends and now we started getting really close. At one point, everytime I saw her during the day, I would just lighten up and be in a good mood for the next 15 minutes. And I sorta realized eventually that I would be totally fine with being in a relationship with her. No apprehension, no worry, I feel so comfortable around her and I like her a lot and for the first time I actually felt like it would be awesome to be together. Way beyond usual crush crap. And I was getting all sorts of signals from her too. I don't claim to be a playa but I am usually above average at telling what other people are thinking and feeling (more empathetic? is that the word) and it was starting to get pretty obvious. Eventually though we had to do dancing in gym and that's when things got weird.
You see, we got paired up randomly each time and every guy was terrified that they would get paired up with some ballet chick and **** up (especially since maybe 1/15 guys in that class danced) and we all just sort of got along in our inept, embarrassed teenager forced to do stuff and formed a sort of unsaid fellowship, with the common factor being that we were all being forced to perform 20 year out of date dances in front of a bunch of adults who thought we were "so adorable". Now eventually,a t the end, we all came in to a big empty room and the teachers just put on the music and said "dance". For the first 20 seconds, everybody just stood there with a WTF expression on their face. "Dance!" said the teachers! And so everyone waited for cues from someone else. The 3 or 4 leaders in the room bit the bullet to show everyone else what to do, took a girl and started dancing. I'm not really a leader, but I was proudly one of those few because I had right in mind who I wanted to dance with. I went straight up to her, asked her if she would dance, suddenly had a panic attack at the thought of "what if she says NO?!" and to my relief, after turning beet red and giggling a little she said yes. So far so good. Now we start on the first one and both being band kinds, we have pretty good rhythm so we simultaneously pick which of the dances we learned was the best for the beat! Sweet! First dance went really well and to my utter relief, it turns out I have rhythm and pretty good footwork (for a white boy >__>) and soon I no longer needed to focus on the steps and started looking around to see how everyone else was doing. I'd say 65% fell below me and 35% were doing better. Not too shabby! Then I turn to look at the person I'm dancing with, look her straight in the eyes and grinned a little at the thought of "wow, everyone makes such a big deal of asking a girl to dance but this is oddly easy!" and she looks back smiles blushes and wait for it....
Bows her head, covers her face and runs off to her friend.
WTF?!
Her friend (who she learned the dance steps together with because there were more girls than guys) was also dancing with a mild crush of hers and was feeling a bit embarrassed I suppose but liking it. And my partner asks her if she wants to dance jokingly but dead seriously. Girl b laughs yells "YEAH!" and they hold hands an heartily and energetically traipse away together, she seems totally relieved and is doing her best to ignore me, and seems a hell of a lot more at ease. Me and my fellow guy (who's an acquaintance of mine) just look at eachother and...well nothing. Nothing can be said to express what the hell just happened. I swear we could have been twins for that same look we both had on and no way in HELL are we dancing with eachother so I decide to be a buddy to him and give him an excuse not to. I open the gym door and leave. Teachers didn't notice, I was marked for attendance, no foul.
Now I see her the next day and she seems perfectly fine again, totally relaxed in the hallway and we talk like normal but now for some reason, I feel absolutely nothing. Not betrayed, not infatuated, no heart attack or gut spasm, no hate or bitterness, just professional politeness. I honestly felt the exact same way about her as you would your moms friend or something. And I'm still getting giggles and winks and desk moving but I can't bring myself to do anything more than just smile back and go back to work. It's weird. It's like I just I completely fell OUT of love with her. No harm done, no bad feelings just a return to square one. I can't, no matter how I try, evoke and feelings for her or imagine us together.
**
Not only that, but it happened to EVERY ****ING GIRL I SORT OF LIKED! I just lost interest in love completely! Snap! Like a switch. It took me a while to realize this but now, this is the clincher "I honestly don't care If I ever find someone". Like I could go through my entire life without a significant other and I would be totally fine. It scares me because I honestly believe that company isn't worth two ****s. I haven't gotten anymore independent. I still love to hang out and talk with my friends, it's just that, short of naked, women no longer hold any special interest for me. All I feel is a strange sense of freedom. A weird release from the pressure of having to find a girl, having to constantly work out and buy them stuff to make sure you keep their conditional love, the guilt and fear of being unattractive, the scary thoughts of all that stuff that happens after the first date, or even the pressure of dating at all. it's like an entire segment of human behaviour has been surgically removed from my soul and I can see clearly now that it's out and it looks like a bad kidney stone. Seriously, I am at the same time scared ****less, and approaching a state of contented zen.
Does ANYONE have any idea or like experience relating to this?
