Look and see:
Crap archer's guide to identifying and purchasing good audio systems:
Jamie has unfortunately stumbled upon crap archer, and needs to escape him - you see, crap archer has a habit of approaching things, walking away to max range (which isn’t very far) and then annoying his target.
- Crap archer: Make sure it has LOTS of bass.
- Crap archer: Get the one with the biggest sub.
- Crap archer: Get one with the largest speakers.
- Crap archer: Get one with the most speakers.
- Crap archer: Get one with LOTZ of bass.
- Crap archer: Make sure you can feel the air moving around you.
- Crap archer: Get a loud one.
- Crap archer: Make sure it plays multiple channels.
- Crap archer: Make sure you can turn it up LOUD.
- Crap archer: Get the one with the most buttons.
- Jamie: Get one with the largest frequency range.
- Crap archer: Get one with the largest frequency range.
- Jamie: Make sure it looks αωε∫°√λε.
- Crap archer: Make thure it lookth αωεth°√λε.
- Jamie: Stop copying me…
- Crap archer: A remote control is essential.
- Crap archer: Subwoofers are a must have.
- Crap archer: Make sure it can drown out Jamie’s not very loud voice.
- Jamie: Well, just ‘c’s you think y’re so awesome…
- Crap archer: It should vibrate throughout your whole house.
- Crap archer: The largest ones are the best.
- Crap archer: The heaviest ones are the best.
- Crap archer: Get the shiniest one.
- Crap archer: Get one that looks like a spaceship.
- Crap archer: Lookout for ones with oval, triangle, square, pentagonal, hexagonal, heptagonal, octagonal, nonagonal, decagonal…etc. drivers.
- Jamie: Make sure it is the best value for money.
- Crap archer: Get the cheapest one.
- Crap archer: Get the most expensive one.
- Jamie: What?
- Crap archer: Make sure you can take the cover off the speakers.
- Crap archer: Ensure that it has a bass boost function.
- Crap archer: Ensure that the subwoofer is powered.
- Crap archer: Get the one with the highest power in watts per speaker.
- Crap archer: Ooh, pretty lights in the city of wonder…
- Crap archer: Ensure you can fit Jamie inside the subwoofer port – he’s really small…
- Jamie: Lite versions are crap versions. Like crap archers…Ow! What w’s that for? Sucks to be you, y’ only did 1 damage…
- Crap archer: Make sure it can outdistance my impressive range with the bow.
- Jamie: Whatever…make sure it has enough power to blow away crap archers…Ow!
*Jamie turns up all the audio systems and crap archer’s bow and arrows shatter. Crap archer is blown away.
- Jamie: Must’ve been some good systems in that…
*The systems have burnt out and are on fire due to the massive power influx.
- Jamie: Oh, no…
*Jamie suddenly realises that crap archer didn’t actually get neutralised by the excess noise. Knowing what happens when you “attack” an AI with 758 units over its population limit, Jamie looks for a place to hide. There is a forest nearby.
- Crap archer: I’m baaack!
- Komposite: Where is he?
- Crap archer: Somewhere – watch out, he’s really small.
- Jamie: ‘m not really -
*There is a large cracking sound and some chaotic noise emanates from the forest. Something is thrashing in the trees. The archers rush towards the commotion. Due to the absolute infestation and saturation of the forest with computer AI, Jamie barely has time to stand up before he is surrounded.
- Komposite: Is that him? He isn’t that small…but then again, he is…
- Jamie: I’m not really -
- Crap archer: Shoosh! What shall we do with him, peoples?
*The computer AI cannot control itself. Every available unit is now within range or on standby. The system overloads and the archers begin their classic jerky, confused glide towards the target, which is vainly trying to pass through the dense mass of unit squares, which have been crammed so close to each other that they become stuck.
- Jamie: Help…
- Crap archer: Att---aa---cc---k!!
*The system is on the verge of meltdown, and the archers among other un-upgraded units become truly chaotic. They show no signs of intelligence or competence. One of the catapults manages to release one of its stones. A large unit square of crammed units is doomed.
- Crap archer: Nn---ooo---ooo---ooo---o!!! Ss---to---pp!
*But the system is incapable of receiving commands. The loss of seven units allows more catapults to release their projectiles.
- Jamie: No!...What the…
*Jamie fears all is lost as a dying horse archer curves towards him, however, game logic says that dying units pass through everything else. The turmoil increases as more trapped units meet their fate. Jamie finds it increasingly difficult to make sense of the mess that is forming around him. A path is slowly being created through the congregation of units. The pace of the action increases as the computer gains more resources.
- Komposite: I will not be considered inkompetent, you little – whatever you are… Archers, spread out!!!
*The archers attempt in vain to escape the circle of mayhem and spread out. They resort to their incapable ways – standing still in the path of imminent destruction to have one last shot at their target.
- Jamie: Ow! Let go of me…uhgnn…
*Game logic fails and Jamie is compacted under the wave of dying units that radiates outwards from the damage area of a catapult’s projectile. Game logic returns and Jamie suddenly finds himself exposed on top of the cluttered refuse. Competence has returned to the computer and the remaining archers swarm inwards.
- Crap archer: Hah-haaa! Now lets see who reckons their so “αωεth°√λε” …
- Komposite: We always win in the end, so don’t try and escape, you little eejit.
*This statement causes Jamie to struggle violently. The transportation of illegal goods baddies party falls over itself, causing the termination of the bottom units and the destruction of the parties’ weapons.
- Crap archer: Don’t let him escape, chaaarge!
*All 329 remaining units stampede towards the pandemonium which has erupted out of nowhere. Of course, stampedes create loud noise and thunderous vibrations.
- Komposite: Oh, you incompetent little…
*Komposite screws up his face in anger and ultimate frustration. He orders one of the siege engines to attack ground near crap archer. Now the siege engine has conflicting orders and alternates dangerously between orders.
- Komposite: You have your orders, pilot.
*The catapult has had enough. It cannot try and work out whether the word “pilot” is referring to it, attack ground near an allied unit or attack its main target which is surrounded by allied units all at the same time. It turns traitor to escape the multi-command situation and proceeds to attack the weakest enemy unit closest to it – Komposite.
- Komposite: No, you stupid thing!!!
*Komposite tries in vain to get up close to the catapult so as to get out of range, but the AI has just finished researching “accuracy”, so the projectile lands right on top of Komposite’s head. He arcs gracefully forward under the catapult, and then instantaneously forms an area of red around his flat, lifeless form. His bow is lying next to him.
- Crap archer: Ohh arrrgghh Nooooooooo!!! That’s IT you *$#!%#*@*
*The anarchy of superfluity proceeds towards the entrance of the AI’s fortress. The fortress guards are on high alert. They cannot work out whether a mutiny is occurring or not, so they play the horns of warning. This incites everyone with a brass instrument to add to the brouhaha that is now occurring inside the fortress walls. Then the noise ceases as multiple units along with their forlorn instruments are self-propelled off the castle walls. (by noise, remember?)
- Crap archer: Has anyone got any rope? Here, I need it here. Now, let’s see if you can outrun my HHA’s…
*The heavy horse archers hold the rope between them and charge towards Jamie. Unfortunately, komposite is gone, and there are still units all around Jamie. Not to mention their orders to “wrap him up”. There forms a writhing mass of tied up units next to two HHA’s which have inadvertently collided and tangled themselves up in rope. Lodged inside the hullabaloo of circle is Jamie, eyes open wide and franticly trying to slip out of the meat and synthetic fibre sandwich.
- Crap archer: Mmm…hey you! Take that bunch to the King’s hall.
*Jamie is dragged helplessly along with the tagged, through the double oak doors into the chamber of the King, which is filled with racks of glassware and brass cutlery.
- Crap archer: Oh, lord, bless this thy bouquet, that they may be ruined by your remarkable gracefulness. And thy resourcefulness.
- King: Wat iz dis? Why are yoo bring me diz?
- Crap archer: He attacked me, oh masterful sir.
- King: Why iz my yoonits tyeed up wiz grrrope?
- Crap archer: Sorry oh ostentatious sir, or target decimated our overabundance of units…
- King: Oh why yoo leetle peece of cgrraaapp!! Yoo waz responsible for zeese, yoo will paihee. Guarrrrds, take zeese idjiota to zee dungeons and whip heem.
- Guards: Yes oh flamboyant sir!
- Crap archer: No you don’t understand…he is powerful…
- King: Arrr dorn’t zink sohh. Where iz zeese powerful man. Guardz, separate that kafuffle.
- Guards (2): Oh yes oh grandiose commander.
- King: Wat iz zee meaning of zeeeese? Where is zee powerful man? Get rid of zat boy!
- Guards (2): Most worthy lieutenant, he is the powerful one. Take a look outside if you want.
*The King moves his electro-wheelchair to the top of the great steps.
- King: Where iz destruction?
*But game logic says that units decay to skeletons and vanish after a few minutes. There is no trace of the action that occurred.
- King: There is no damage. I knew zeese crap archer is crap…
*A screaming noise of torture emanates from the entrance to the whipping chamber. Loud clattering follows and causes a guard to fall.
- Crap archer: Look, look what that imbecile did!!! Look at that damage!!!
- Jamie: No, I didn’t do anything –
- King: Wat! Denial iz the first sign of culpability!!! Keeell heeeemm!!!
- Crap archer: Oh yes, pretentious master…now I shall have the pleasure of annihilating you!
- Jamie: Leave me alone!
- Crap archer: Hah hah, you are trapped…
- Jamie: No ‘m not –
*Jamie turns around to see glassware and brass cutlery.
- Jamie: No…
- Crap archer: Get one that can play Jamie’s anguish as he is pushed into the glassware rack!!!
*Crap archer has a look of retribution on his face as he fore-head-palms Jamie into the glassware rack.
- Jamie: Yes…Ow!!!
*Jamie plunges down into the racks, causing extensive disarray. Crap archer is blown away. The King is blown away. The guards are smashed into the walls. A trapeze artist slams into the roof and body slams into the centre of the hall. White flickers and what looks to be the edge of a window flashes in the sky. All motion appears to be effected, or at least, anything made by the AI. Jamie attempts to get up, but game logic has failed again. He is condensed under masses of glassware and brass instruments. The fortress is falling to pieces.
- Jamie: Help…
*The entire hall collapses inwards, creating a mushroom cloud of dust.
- Alpha 2: DIVE DIVE DIVE! HIT YOUR BURNERS, PILOT!
- Jamie: What…
*Something large explodes and there is blinding white light. Something looks like outerspace, but there is sound, so it can’t be…
- Jamie: Where am I?
*An SF Ashema wing is headed towards Jamie. They start flailing rapidly and explode in Jamie’s face…
- Jamie: Oh, go away…
*And are replaced by SF Maras with Terran cockpit disguises. Jamie drifts helplessly towards a Ravana class destroyer…
What do you think?
