[bahijal74]

I feel sorry for the hulk. He has no brains...but its not cuz the blood is in the other head. he has nothing down there either. so basically he is stupid and he doesn't even have the excuse of being horny....

[TrashMan]

A man dies in a car crash. As he comes to the gates of heaven he meets St. Peter. He informs him that he is indeed dead and he can now enter Heaven.
The man, being a passionate driver, asks if there are cars in heaven.
St. Peter answers "Yes, but you can only drive the beetle nad no more than 60kph."

The man shrugs and goes for a drive around heaven in his new beetle. Suddenly a pimped-out Lamorghini zooms past at breakneck speeds. Confused, the man returns to St. Peter.

"I thought you said everyone gets a beetle and can't go over 60! I was just passed over by the sweet sports car! What gives?"
"Did you catch the license plate?"
"Yeah. It said INRI"
Oh, that's the Bosses son."

[Herra Tohtori]

Phantom went to a grill stand. The vendor asked: "Do you want all the condiments?"
Phantom said "No."

[MR_T3D]

Stop that.

That's what she said!

how many kittens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Still waiting on it...
They say a million monkeys on a million typewriters in a million years one will reporduce the complete works of william shakeshpere.
but they fail to mention you'll have to endure 999,999 harry potter knock-offs
and at least 312,581,546.4 yo'mamma jokes

[Titan]

Your mom's like a museum: Look but don't touch.

Your mom's like an art emportium: Everything's on display

What's the difference between Chuck Norris and Christian Priests? Priests are all God's children, but God is Chuck Norris's *****.

[redsniper]

Phantom went to a grill stand. The vendor asked: "Do you want all the condiments?"
Phantom said "No."

.......
.......

wut

which Phantom?

[Herra Tohtori]

Phantom went to a grill stand. The vendor asked: "Do you want all the condiments?"
Phantom said "No."

.......
.......

wut

which Phantom?

The Phantom of course.

[Goober5000]

Iamzack and Turambar have been monkeyed and the thread pruned.  The rest of you, please keep your jokes somewhat tasteful.

[Sushi]

Seriously though, I'm fine with a joke thread, but let's not get onto 'dead baby' jokes and things please, I'd like to think we are a little better than that

You'd think...holy crap, these are tasteless. And dumb.

EDIT: Goober kindly removed the worst ones. Thanks!

[Colonol Dekker]

Time to lower the tone to playground level......

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Rourke twins are drunk again."

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

Apologies for the somnbre tone in this next one

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[BloodEagle]

This guy walks into a pub and sits down by the bar. "Good evening" he says to the bartender. "If I show you something really amazing, will you give me a free drink?". "Sure" the bartender responds. So the guy opens his bag and produces a miniature piano. He then pulls out a very very small man, who sits down by the piano and starts playing ragtime favourites. "Wow!" says the bartender, and hands the guy a Scotch.

So, the bartender wants to know where the guy found the small pianist. "I can't tell you" the guy quickly responds. But the intrigued bartender really needs to find out, and offers the guy drinks on the house all night long if he lets him in on the secret. "Oh well" says the guy. "I have got this lamp with a genie in it. I got the pianist from the genie". The bartender can't believe his ears, and remains silent. "I'll offer you a trade, though" the guy tells him. "You can have the lamp with the genie, and in return, you'll give me free drinks for the rest of my life". It doesn't take the bartender long to realize this might be a good deal, and he soon agrees.

So the guy opens his bag again, and hands the lamp to the bartender, who immediately starts rubbing it. Soon a genie manifests itself from the bottle. "What do you wish?" the genie asks the bartender. "Ah... eh... I want a million bucks!" says the slightly unprepared bartender. And in a flash, the whole pub is filles with quacking birds. "What the hell is this?" shouts the bartender to the guy. "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!".

"Well" says the guy. "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"

[Sushi]

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

One day, a king learned that he had an assassin in his court. His source also informed him that his Count was in on the conspiracy, and knew who the assassin was.  The King seized the Count and demanded,
"Who is the assassin sent to kill me?"
"I refuse to tell you," the Count responded.
The King was furious, and told the Count, "If you do not tell me, I will have you beheaded right here in the throne room."
"You wouldn't dare!" spat the Count.
Good as his word, the King summoned the executioner, who laid the Count out on the chopping block and raised his axe. As the axe came thundering down, the Count screamed, "Alright! I'll tell you!" but it was too late. The King was poisoned in his sleep that night.

The Moral: Don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken.

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

[Colonol Dekker]

One day, a king learned that he had an assassin in his court. His source also informed him that his Count was in on the conspiracy, and knew who the assassin was.  The King seized the Count and demanded,
"Who is the assassin sent to kill me?"
"I refuse to tell you," the Count responded.
The King was furious, and told the Count, "If you do not tell me, I will have you beheaded right here in the throne room."
"You wouldn't dare!" spat the Count.
Good as his word, the King summoned the executioner, who laid the Count out on the chopping block and raised his axe. As the axe came thundering down, the Count screamed, "Alright! I'll tell you!" but it was too late. The King was poisoned in his sleep that night.

The Moral: Don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken.

Sushi levelled up
Sushi learned flare

[StarSlayer]

Feller at the bar is full up to his eyeballs with beer, but he knows he needs to get home or his missus will have his head for getting drunk.  He gets off the stool and collapses to the ground, still he has to get home, especially if he was too hammered to stand.  So he drags himself out the bar and down the street.  Finally he gets to his house, drags himself upstairs and into bed without waking his wife.  In the morning he's violently waken to find his missus angry as hell accusing him of being a drunken lout.  Of course he denies it  only for her to respond.  "The bar called because you left your goddamn wheelchair there last night!"

[Solatar]

Fair enough with the pruning.

A guy is walking through a graveyard, and every time he passes a certain gravestone he hears music. He then notices that the music is Beethoven's 5th symphony being played backwards. No sooner has he figured this out then the 4th through 1st symphonies are played. Wondering what is going on, he asks the caretaker what the deal is and he replies "Oh, that's Beethoven. He's decomposing"

[Stormkeeper]

I was going to attend a meeting for clairvoyents, but it was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.

[redsniper]

Phantom went to a grill stand. The vendor asked: "Do you want all the condiments?"
Phantom said "No."

.......
.......

wut

which Phantom?

The Phantom of course.

I know the Phantom but.... I don't get it.

[blackhole]

"Oh, that's Beethoven. He's decomposing"

I will murder the next person who utters that phrase. It stopped being funny A DECADE AGO

[General Battuta]

It's always pretty good the first time.

[Stormkeeper]

Your mum's so hairy, the only language she speaks, is Wookie.