[Blue Lion]

Originally posted by icespeed
heard em all before, but jokes are always cool to point and laugh at.:lol:as has been said: classic.
and don't bother explaining to cp. he's just going to turn everything into a maths rules girls suck thread again.
(sorry cp, don't mean to be nasty but you're really getting me annoyed about all that)

 Teach him a lesson?

[Sandwich]

Had this one on an old photocopy someone made for me once, so I typed it up:
 If You Gotta Go - Start Early

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida so she decided to write to a particular campground for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down she still thought she was being forward so she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter. She then referred to the "bathroom commode" as "BC". Her question then read: "Does your campground have its own BC?"

Well, the campground director wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he recieved the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That term "BC" really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.  So, he finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church.  He sat down and wrote the following reply:
 

Dear Madam:
We regret very much the delay in answering your letter but now I take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating about 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually go early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was about six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.  They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Very truly yours,
The Campground Director

[WMCoolmon]

[Alikchi]

rotflmaowebsontgfnmoltiisbtelaaybabtu

OMG WTF LOL

[CP5670]

lol

heard em all before, but jokes are always cool to point and laugh at.as has been said: classic.
and don't bother explaining to cp. he's just going to turn everything into a maths rules girls suck thread again.
(sorry cp, don't mean to be nasty but you're really getting me annoyed about all that)

better get used to it...

[Corsair]

Rather...ummmm...interestingly funny joke.

[Gortef]

Lol, I've heard that one before too but it's absolutely hilarious

[Sandwich]

Originally posted by Alikchi
rotflmaowebsontgfnmoltiisbtelaaybabtu

Translation?

[elorran]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful. Suddenly one wing is struck by lightning.  A woman on the plane starts to lose it. She stands up in the front of the  plane screaming, "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, "Well, if I'm
going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this  plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"  For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own  peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel  like  a woman," he says. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing  black  hair and jet black eyes.  He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.............one button at a time.  No one moves. He removes his shirt.  Muscles ripple across his chest. As he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman, and whispers:  ..................................."Iron this."

[elorran]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy
started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came
back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she
replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle
and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for
dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his
grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to
laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're
still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy
replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the
Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[elorran]

Now repeat after me...

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email.

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria's Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from
Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail - NEVER !

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.

9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us five cents for every e-mail we send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. ZIP, ZERO, NADA.

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain
individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others lay a guilt trip on me compelling me to send things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on e-mail.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

[elorran]

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a compter engineer from Micorsoft are driving in a car when it breaks down. None are sure why. The electrical engineer suggest striping down the car's wiring harness to see if it's an electrical fault. The chemical engineer suggests analysing the gas.

The MS engineer says "Let's close all the windows, shut down the car, get out, get restart the car, and open all the windows again and see if that fixes the problem"...

[elorran]

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

[CP5670]

hehehe; love the email and car ones ...

[elorran]

Premier Gordon Campbell was visiting an elementary school [suspend disbelief here for a moment so I can tell this joke...] while a fifth grade class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Campbell if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." Mr. Campbell asked the class for "an example of a tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Gordon, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Gordon, "that's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Mr. Campbell searched the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the room a solemn little girl raised her hand, and in a quiet voice said, "If you and everybody else in your government, Mr. Campbell, were eaten by a pack of hungry
20-foot alligators, that would certainly be a tragedy.""
Fantastic!" exclaimed the Premier. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the girl, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

[elorran]

A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door.  When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.  Again, the man knocked, and again asked the same question.  Again, not amused, she screamed "Get the hell away!".

Later, she told her husband of the incident.  He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.  The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.  When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said "Yes".

The man replied, "Great!  Give some to your husband the next time you see him and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!!!"

[elorran]

Responses from performance evaluations in the
Federal Government


"Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out
of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the
better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

[elorran]

Two Little Mischief Makers

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two
brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly
mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents
were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing
about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys,
the parents thought that they should ask the priest to
talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the
boys and asked to see the younger boy first.  So the
mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive
desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat
and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his
forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy
looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked
"Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said
nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned
far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's
nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran
all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their
room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their
mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The
older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" his
brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

[Gortef]

haha quite good ones elorran

[Vortex]

Hehe, seen them, but they're still good! :D:D