once again, im reminded of why i quit wasting my time discussing things in of all places, a discussion forum. there are always people there, who happen to know one or two of the bigger words, and suddenly, start feeling insecure about the size of (whatever, brain, balls, pick an organ, same human failing). so they need to tear down every nuance of the post, then ramble on about them like they have a clue.
i posted the NOTE because i wanted to let people know why i seemed to be a bit depressed, and have snapped at a few nice people here lately.
its not my intent.
also, if anyone has ever gone through crap like this, it really helps to talk about it.
hard to talk to someone when the wife is at work, and all i have is myself and the cats.
i cant talk to myself, because i am too much of a smartass to me.
cant talk to the cats either, because as F'ed up as i feel now, and whatever meds ive downed in a futile attempt to alleviate this agony might cause some sort of reaction and then the cat actually talks back to me. that in its self wouldnt be a problem, but of my 3 cats, only one loves me unconditionally. the other two plot and plan ways to manipulate us into feeling bad for them so they get treats and snuggle time when they should' nt be getting either. Once spazz even faked a limp to get some of our food. once she was done eating, she bolted off, "reaoowing" like a banshee, as if it were some evil cat laugh. " haha, stupid human, your McNuggitz IZZ MINEZ!"
so that just leaves you guys to vent to. its hard to deal with this crap right now.
i will never look at a Detoxing junkie with disgust again. if it feels like this, i might even give the ol' track marked, unwashed hobo, who smells of stale pee, a great big hug and one of those kitten hanging from a tree "hang in there" posters.
given the responses i see here, though, i think i might just go seek out the hobo, or take my chances with the cats.
funny thing is, i found two of my MD's in the bottom of my travel advil bottle.
amazing how much better i feel, even though ive not even had half a normal dose.
i will leave you with this final note (because i can think of many more contructive wastes of my time than listening to people who just wanna argue and nitpick everything to death. you know, like, slam my head into a tree until either it, or my head explodes)
you go to some dark places in times like these.
i have had to deal with a shorter time once before when i was without my pain meds. i had a vague idea of just how bad it could be. so i took precautions against myself. i really did remove all dangerous things from around me. took the entire blade collection off the wall, removed all of my chef knives from the kitchen, and yeah, i even made sure that jen took the clip to the m1911 and stashed it in her car so i wouldnt have access to it, in case i lost my willpower.
i swear to you, this is as true and poignant an event as i have ever experienced in my life.
i tried to work a bit on some item descriptions for an andriod cyberpunk game i was helping out with. i just couldnt concentrate. the pain was too bad.
after 3 hours sitting in front of the computer, i kind of lost it. I'm not boasting, or bragging when i say that my words per minute are above 200. its why you get these long ass posts. ive worked very hard to be able to type as fast as i think. it makes working on books so much easier. whether novels, or player handbooks for pen and paper games, nothing can be as annoying as getting your train of thoughts moving, and then running into your word per minute limitations. your thoughts barrel on like a train without brakes. and when that train of thought hits the wall of limitations, the cars, cargo, people on board, all crunch together into an unintelligible mass. if you are lucky, you can make some side notes really quickly so that you dont lose where you were planning on going with that jumble.
but more times than not, you stare at your last few sentences and just draw a blank.
The sad part about what i was feeling at that moment was that my train was'nt even leaving the station.
I stared at Item Entry 1.
;*--
;
;
[Shop-free_v]
; shop_type= "arms_bravestar"
; shop_name= ""
; *|* funct_call_tech-lv_check= *rng-[1, 2, 3, 9]
; Elite_required= 0
; owner_hostile_reset= 0 */ varcheck- "playerstealth >3"= 1, */fnc_OR-- "playernegotiation > 8"= 1, */fnc_OR-- "plotswitch72= 1" */fnc_THEN "owner_hostile_reset= 1" = TRUE
; shop_discount= / varcheck- "playernegotiation= *rng-[1, 2, 3]= 1, *rng-[4, 5]= 0.8, *rng-[6, 7 ]= 0.65, *rng-[8]= 0.5, *rng-[9]= 0.4, *rng-[10]= 0.25, */fnc_OR "dev_debug=1" */fnc_THEN "shop_discount= */num_val_LOCK= -1.5"
; "weapRNG"= 1
; "weapMEL"= 1
; "weapALT"= 0
; "armorLGT"= 1
; "armorHVY"= 0
; "ammoREG"=1
; "ammoHVY"= 0
; "ammoSPC"= 0
; "cybercom"= 0
; "cyberrar"= 0
{*The store's item selection. Volyren, this is where you come in. do not change the formatting or spacing of any information. Just fill in the descriptions between the lines. This ini file covers the games behaviour for the southeastern quadrant of the map. Each store has its own selection of weapons which is randomly generated based on your level and skills as well as the plot points you have finished. You only need to enter one description for each weapon. If you see the same item in another store, just leave it blank. The game will read the ini file and locate the first entry that matches the item and display that. It will then copy that information to each entry that matches that item, so be sure you are filling out the text on the FIRST entry available or you will lose what work is there when starting the game. DO NOT DELETE ANY ;'s or it will create a TON of bugs! And before running the game, make sure to delete this note and any other notes in the ini file. you can just search for the {}brackets. there shouldnt be any of them in this file, or the game will give you a message that the loader could not complete action 32 error. We look forward to seeing what you can do! Thanks for the help! If you have any questions just PM me or john, and whatever you do please do not post any of the debug section. If people mess with those, it can mess up their games and corrupt any saves they have. Thanks again!}
[weapRNG]
; "weappistol1"
; display_thumb= "root/cyberknight/data/01SRC.bin"
; display_itemstats= "*/fnc_LIST= 1"
[list1=6]
1. Hold-Out Pistol ¥:675
2. Manufacturer: MARS Corp
3. Range: 4 Clip Size: 8 Modification: No
4. Power: 3 Accuracy: 4 Speed: 1
5. Information: " *&_txt_hide / PLACEHOLDER /" {The item description goes there. Delete the "hide" tag and enter the description between the "'s. The text should look like this "This is a gun. It goes bang" Line 6 must be left blank. This is where the item modification info will go when it is released in a future update. Don't forget to delete this note as well!}
6.
i just stared at the damned thing over and over. I couldn't even get a full thought put together.
The pain just kept getting worse and worse. In my current state of mind, I would be working on this one simple description for who knows how long. The thumbnail of the hold out gun looked a lot like my m1911, so i picked it up (even though ive thought about offing myself, i know for a fact that jen has the only clip to the gun with her at work, so I am totally safe.
well, no matter how hard I tried I just kept drawing a blank.
I Clicked the safety a few times, looked at myself in the mirror with it (the gun) to my head, things like that. I had finally just had enough. I closed the computer, and just tried to relax. i have often wondered about the whole "gun barrel in the mouth."
I just wonder how it is that in the movies the ol' barrel in the mouth trick actually works. you have to aim it just right, and then the bullet has to penetrate the thick cranial wall. In real life.
So naturally, i put the gun barrelt in my mouth, trying to imagine the correct angle to sever the spine. ( it may be morbid, but i feel that things like that are helpful to try and overcome writer's block.
i lined it up right and gave the trigger a quick squeeze.
damn safety still on.
so i release the safety and try again. i wanna know if its hard to keep your aim steady while essentially trying to fire a gun backwards. So im about to pull the trigger again, when my phone beeps really loud, letting me know i have a new email. After i log in and see its an update to my topic, offering to do voice overs for anyone who needs 'em. BigChunk had offered me an opportunity to work on one of the oligarchs, and maybe a couple of other minor roles. So after checking the new posts, and apologizing for the delay im causing, due to the little problem of me wishing i was dead and all, i was staring at the damned blank gun description again. At this point, i'm ready to just give up for the day, and take some more sleepy meds, my wonderful little sleepy pills, that afford me my only relief from the constant pain.
i close the computer, go to move the gun off of the bed, and hear a tiny clink. I shake the damned thing, and can still hear it. it sounds like there is a bold loose or something.
So I slid open the breach to see if something had gotten ino the guns inner mechanism.
i know for fact i gave jen the only clip we own for that gun, and i know we dont have any other bullets, save for the ones in the clip.
But despite my careful precautions to remove anything i might actually harm myself with, I had just came closer to killing myself than i would have ever imagined .
There, in the breach of the gun rested a live round, just waiting to take my out of my misery.
I had the gun, in my mouth, aimed right at my spine.
I pulled the trigger.
And then when it did not bring the hammer down, i double checked the safety and turned it off.
I put the gun back in my mouth, and had my finger on the trigger.
i had no intent of harming myself. NONE.
If not for chunk and his perfectly timed email, i would either be dead or paralyzed.
i dont know what else to say right now. im kinda just overwhelmed with all this.
i flushed the bullet down the toilet, and i really need to lay down. ive alrady taken sleepy meds and i am beyond drained.
i cannot afford to come back to this board any more and take the chance that i end up going over the edge being surrounded by all your negativity.
so until i get my meds from the doctor, im staying away from this place as though my life depends on it, because i feel allthat for the next 3 days it does.
if anyone has a little human dignity could you let chunk know that if not for him i'd be dead right now...i just cant handle all o the petty bullcrap that passes as intellegent discussion here. its like stephen hawking had some hellish offspring with the people from jersey shore.
and compain all you want. im not wasting any more of my time trying to conform a single part of me, just to listen to even more nitpicking than one would expect to find if surrounded by a thousand old ladies, who've woken up on the wrong side of their walkers this morning.
the great thing about freedon of choice, is... umm..... freedom of choice?
since no one makes yopu read my posts, yet still you return again and again to complain about how hard to read they are, logic would dictate that you are getting some fulfillment of some sort or another from constantly raggin' on me.
and on that note, im going to stop now before i waste some portion of my life that i might actually want back. like the last few hours.
