I completely understand that some people have seen the word rape as simply being misappropriated. I don't think I used it often that way, but I would have at one time probably.
The problem is, most would simply think 'well, **** the rapists, they are assholes, but, I'm not, and I don't mean the word that way, and I refuse to allow some douchebag criminal to influence the way I mean the word rape!'.
That breaks down, because, to you, rape is a joke: meaning it's something you would never do, and are disgusted that anyone else would do, so you simply think that of course, no one would think you mean it that way. However, it helps to remember that rape, the actual, violent, disgusting act, is a joke to a rapist... not in the way you are trying to mean it. To them, it's a power play. Yeah, they are the Boss... they do what they want, when they want, in their minds, all of the underage or people not in a suitable frame of mind to consent, all of the people that they stalk into quiet places where no one will notice (or public places in the city where so many are present that no one will care) they are prey, meant to be used as they see fit.
Do you understand.. what it would be like to be a rape survivor? Come with me. I'm sorry I can't put this a bit more effectively, and, if a survivor should read this, I am sorry if I don't accurately represent you. I do not presume to have a clue what your life is like, this is only what I can conjecture, based on what I've seen, what I've heard from the people I know, and my poor narrative skills. The rest of you: Close your eyes, open them. Your father raped you until you turned 18 and left the house to live with your boyfriend (you can choose to be a guy or a girl, it would be about equally harmful in this situation probably). You never told anyone, because, you know, if you did, he would kill your mom. He said so. Your mother did not really like the situation, but a) she didn't know how she would support you and your siblings without your dad's income, b) she was being abused too, her father abused her (which you most likely don't know), she doesn't think it can ever change, she has the abused person mindset down pat, c) your father treats you kids so well... he never really hits you guys that much, like he does your mom... your dad tells your mom all the time that it's her fault... she 'makes him do it'... Why can't she love him like the kids do? All of this time, the shame boils underneath you. Because, you're really not that good, you know. Your father tells you that when he takes you home from school and spends time 'shopping' with you... except you are alone with him in the car, where no one can hear as he does things that make you freeze and go to your happy place where no one can hurt you. Well, it doesn't feel that way, anyways. Not until you wake up at night, fighting your pillows. That is, if he doesn't come to visit that night.
Now, imagine the feelings you have, at every public interaction with that man. Your birthday. Your dad smiling, giving you a big hug, telling you how much he loves you, all your friends and other family members laughing, talking with him... all of the time, he acts normal. Except you know that he is watching you. You will never get away.
When you finally leave the house, you can either a) pretend nothing happened, and live with the torture of trying to act 'normal' around the monster who is your father or b) breaking away from your family completely to avoid having anything to do with him or c) actually telling someone... but why would they believe you? You never said anything. This will break up the family, or even worse, they will turn on you and think that you are starting things. Besides, it must be your fault... I mean, why else would Uncle Bill have spent so much special time with you when you were visiting the family at his house starting when you were 14? And why would your band teacher have given you all those private instructions in 10th Grade? You're always the quiet type, because you think you are no good, but you really want to connect and relax and make new friends... so you go to parties.. you don't know that many people, but you try to just relax and have a few drinks... why do you always end up not remembering what happened the night before, with a very familiar feeling that something shameful and bad has happened? It felt like that when you couldn't sleep because you had nightmares, and mom was visiting family, and you were pretty sure your dad had visited the night before, but you really weren't sure because you were so tired, and telling nightmares from reality is hard when you feel like that.
You have a boyfriend now... you're really hoping that you can be good enough for him, and that you aren't really as bad as everyone says you are. You've had boyfriends before, but you were too shy and they weren't comfortable with how you reacted when they tried to get close to you. (This would be if the survivor has the tendency to shy away from being intimate, rather than being promiscuous. Others would be very loose, and would agree with the general consensus that they hear whispered about them in the locker room that they are just a 'whore'.)
However, your boyfriend starts hitting you when he is angry. Also, when you shut down when he tries to be intimate with you, he just goes ahead anyways. Your automatic reaction sometimes is to resist, but he seems to find that enjoyable. He has a few friends that he has over to the house to play XBOX360 or PS3. You don't mind, but it really bothers you when they are talking about how they 'raped' the other team, or got raped themselves. Because, whenever no one notices, your boyfriend looks at you when it is said. It just gives you a chill. It reminds you of your dad smiling at you and saying happy birthday and giving you a present.. you really felt aweful, considering that he said that what he did the night before was an early 'present'. That's alright. You're worthless anyways. You deserve it. You just leave the room and cut in the bedroom when it gets too uncomfortable. If you were braver, you would just end it all. Why are you such a slut? What's wrong with you? You're just a really bad person. You wish you could get someone to really love you just because they decide to... to really care for you. Not as a toy that they like to use and abuse for fun, but actually look out for you.
One of your friends notices that you are down and out all the time, and notices when you slip and bash yourself. She seems to really care about you, so eventually, you confide first about your boyfriend, and then about your whole life... to your surprise, she believes you. She tells you about her life, and how her family was close friends with another family. What no one knew, was that the oldest brother in the other family was molesting and eventually raping her. This continued from when she was 8 to when she was 12 and the other family moved away. She never told anyone until she told a counselor at school. When she did, the councilor 'helped' her tell the story by 'playacting' through it, literally doing the things that she described, and adding things... She thought no one would believe her if she told, either. She said she was lucky, because her parents had noticed her behavior - they had thought she was just quiet all these years, until they noticed that she was cutting, too, and they had done some research as to different reasons why she might be doing that. When they asked her if there was something really wrong that she hadn't ever told them, she said that they wouldn't believe her. With a little affirmation that they would believe her no matter what she told them, she finally told them everything. The school counselor was suspended pending an investigation. She got help from a real counselor.. she had to have one of her parents with her at first until she got to know and trust that the new counselor wasn't going to take advantage of her.
After talking with your friend about your situation for a month or two, you finally decide that maybe she is right. Maybe you don't deserve to be treated worse than an animal. You pack your things, and leave your boyfriend's house. Your friend says you can stay with her until you find a place to live. While you are there, you notice that she spends a lot of time playing computer games. She helps you get started playing some of them. You really like the temporary escape that it offers from all of the stress in your life. Actually, this whole experience of not living with someone who is hurting you is rather nice. You just wish you could get one of the add-ons.. you think they're called mods or something.. to work. You really like it. So, you ask your friend about it. She says that you could probably get info on how to get the game working right by searching the forums. The website is in the readme that she downloaded, she's just been too busy playing the other mods and hadn't gotten to that one. But she says to go ahead and look it up while she's at work since you've got the day off and you're a bit savvy. So, you look at the readme, and it says your best bet is to ask on the forums... ok, you've not really been much for online forums, and the name of the forum is a bit odd, you think, but here goes..
You notice that the community seems to be helpful and friendly, so you register, as you can't seem to find the answer to your question after a quick search. Your first two replies are very helpful and informative. You've gotten the game working with the mod that you wanted to play. You go back to the forum to post your thanks, when you notice another couple of replies. They're just the usual stuff about how that poster likes the mod too, and that you're in for a treat.. you type out your thanks to all in the quick-reply, you're about to hit 'Post' -- when something catches your eye. In the signature of the last person who posted, you can see a link, and the caption reads "Rape, and why it's the BEST topic ever!"
Your stop.
Your boyfriend is there, smirking.
Your father laughs, gives you a hug that lasts just a second too long, and gives you a present.
Ice water is running through your veins and you feel like you need to run for the toilet.
You quickly post the thanks that you meant for the first two posters, close the browser, and shut off the computer. Later, when your friend gets home, she asks if you got the game to work. You tell her that you did, but that the game really just isn't what you're into. She shrugs, says "Oh, that's too bad" and offers to play some COD with you, which you accept, glad to get Hard Light Productions out of your mind.
