[Hellzed]

Dear HLP community,
I finally changed course in the uni, settled closer to the sea, and started working on long overdue projects. Everything feels much better now !

[StarSlayer]

As a possible short term stop gap as you sort out life goals I would recommend a social hobby.  I think the most benefit would be something physically demanding and preferably structured like a martial art.  Physical activity will obviously make you healthier, relieves stress, and typically releases endorphins.  A well taught and practiced martial art especially adds a spiritual component and an internal goal oriented structure.  Even when other parts of your life might be a little wonky something like a martial art will always be providing a set of goals and an obvious path of progression.  Importantly any social hobby you partake in that aligns with your interests will be introducing you to folks that share some common interests.  A lot of my best friends are from my Kendo club for example.

Now personally I think a martial art is best bet but any social hobby, from TT gaming to ballroom dance, is going to jump start social interactions and provide a release valve for issues.

Anyway good luck!   

[Ghostavo]

Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
For the last few years, I have been studying in a very good school (the kind of schools French administrators, politicians, judges, diplomats... come from), and right now I am in the middle of my first post-graduate year.
But I think I am missing something. I don't know what, or why, but something is definitely missing in my life.
Going to classes doesn't feel like it is making sense any more. I used to be very interested in most of it, now it is utter nonsense to me. Working on essays is painful, like *physical pain*. I can't take it.
I don't bond with my classmates. I have barely talked to anyone at school in the last 3 years, with each and every attempt to socializing failing miserably. This is a bit as if I was not living in the same world.
For the last weeks, I just didn't go, and I'm not feeling anything about it.

I have some very good friends out there. I don't feel particularly depressed, I still enjoy small things of life, like a good meal, or a beer in a nice pub, a good movie...

I'm 23 years old, I've been living on my own for 6 years now, but my parents would never understand if I quit and did something else with my life. They had so many hopes (which I never shared, I only wanted to avoid boring stuff, and that school looked ok for some time). My father always told me I was lazy and uncaring since I was a child. So I don't know if that's just extreme laziness manifesting in a weird way.

Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea.

First of all, go talk to a psychiatrist about this. Some (most ?) schools/universities have those kind of services available for students free of charge. I believe this is the first and most important thing you can do.

I'm perhaps going through something similar to what you are going through right now, I'm 26 and am going to quit the current PhD program I'm attending in the following months due to various circumstances related to those issues.

[watsisname]

First of all, go talk to a psychiatrist about this. Some (most ?) schools/universities have those kind of services available for students free of charge. I believe this is the first and most important thing you can do.

I was just about to say the same thing.

You might be surprised how not uncommon these kinds of issues are -- indeed I in somewhat the same boat with a social anxiety disorder that has been severely impacting both my academics and social life through the last few years.  I was very reluctant to seek psychiatric help, but finally started meeting with one recently and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Starslayer's suggestion of taking up a social/physical hobby is also excellent.  Consider looking around on meetup.com and see what sorts of groups are located nearby.

[est1895]

I'm 42 and we must all be in the same boat.  I feel more of a burnout though.  Again, I too am attending college for a degree in accounting and I'm having trouble trying to ready/study.  Why don't we all go to Vegas!

[Polpolion]

Hellzed, I'll parrot StarSlayer's advice with the added note that you should also definitely try to chat with a psychiatrist about it sooner rather than later. In particular (noting the physical discomfort you mentioned) if you're in your first year of your graduate program I'm inclined to believe things will just get worse and worse if you do nothing. Some people that are very close to me are going through similar things to what you're describing, but for reasons out of their control professional help is not a feasible option.

It is a ****ing travesty that Nuke is not only allowed to post this **** in threads like this but is a mod of the board where they get posted.

You know, I'm inclined to agree with this. What are we supposed to do, report the mods?

edit: fixed typo

[Axem]

Aw, man, that really sucks. All the (present) posts have the right idea. Therapy can help, even if its just to talk and express yourself. Finding productive things like hobbies to do can help you find some form of validation.

And I'm sure your parents mean well, but don't be afraid to put yourself first.

[redsniper]

+1 for getting psychiatric help. I'm seeing a psychiatrist right now and it has helped immensely. There's no reason you have to keep feeling bad.

[Goober5000]

Physical activity will obviously make you healthier, relieves stress, and typically releases endorphins.

Quoted for truth.  If you live or work in a primarily sedentary environment (like studying at school or working at a desk job) then you don't get much physical activity.  You'd really be surprised how much that does for you, even as much as going for a walk.  A martial art would be another order of magnitude better.

[est1895]

I second that Goober!  The only exercise I get is shopping and making errands. Another thing is diet.  There's a doctor by the name of Dr. Don Colbert who was burnout at 35 years old.  He described as flooring your car with no gas in it.  There is this study of a Mediterranean diet that worked better than a low fat diet.  Its an interesting read.

[General Battuta]

Dear HLP community,
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life.
For the last few years, I have been studying in a very good school (the kind of schools French administrators, politicians, judges, diplomats... come from), and right now I am in the middle of my first post-graduate year.
But I think I am missing something. I don't know what, or why, but something is definitely missing in my life.
Going to classes doesn't feel like it is making sense any more. I used to be very interested in most of it, now it is utter nonsense to me. Working on essays is painful, like *physical pain*. I can't take it.
I don't bond with my classmates. I have barely talked to anyone at school in the last 3 years, with each and every attempt to socializing failing miserably. This is a bit as if I was not living in the same world.
For the last weeks, I just didn't go, and I'm not feeling anything about it.

I have some very good friends out there. I don't feel particularly depressed, I still enjoy small things of life, like a good meal, or a beer in a nice pub, a good movie...

I'm 23 years old, I've been living on my own for 6 years now, but my parents would never understand if I quit and did something else with my life. They had so many hopes (which I never shared, I only wanted to avoid boring stuff, and that school looked ok for some time). My father always told me I was lazy and uncaring since I was a child. So I don't know if that's just extreme laziness manifesting in a weird way.

Now, what will I do with my life ? I have no idea.

Sup bro. Everyone gave good advice already, so I'll just add that PhD programs are a rareified form of hell, a Ponzi scheme in which the only payout is misery. I walked out of mine last year with no plans and no idea what I'd do. Less than a year later I've accomplished every one of my major life goals and now I guess I can just kick back and be awesome.

I know your parents and your finances might both be obstacles, but I encourage getting a real job and chasing your dreams. It can work out aight.

e: Everyone repped the physical side of things, but believe you me, when I was in grad school I was in the gym two hours a day nearly every day and it didn't do a damn thing. Physical exercise and good sleep hygiene are rarely the wrong idea, but they're not going to pull you out of a serious spiral.

[Familiar]

1) Find a girl
2) Merry her
3) Have a child
4) Have a second child

So... I think without those steps my life would be pointless.
Family really gives you purpose to live and fuel to run
I will be 32 at 1st april.
Step 1 completed something like 13 years ago
step 2 completed 10 years ago
step 3 completed 5 years ago
step 4 completed 1 year ago.

May be that's what you're missing in your life?

[deathfun]

To be the other side of the coin here, despite it being a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, don't expect them to be a 100% fool proof solution.

but something is definitely missing in my life.

You're missing purpose, whether that purpose is for yourself or for another, from what it sounds like it is what you lack.

Recommended option is purpose for yourself, that is to say as others have, find a hobby that you enjoy. Alternatively, start figuring out what you're going to do with the education you've just obtained for yourself. Makes sense that it comes up now rather than before because the end is nigh. You've had the purpose of learning in order to have something for later. The problem here just being (from what it sounds like) is that you haven't spent enough time figuring out what the later is. Learning means nothing if you don't have somewhere to use it, so figure out how to make use of it. Give it purpose

There's other ways of finding purpose for the things you do, but without sufficient information (you know best regardless) only you can really figure that out



Unrecommended route is finding purpose in another, like a significant other. Reason why it's unrecommended stems from the fact **** can and will most likely go wrong leaving you in a possibly deeper situation

[Flipside]

When we are young, we try to do things to make our parents proud of us, and to feel you are not earning approval can leave a scar.

As we get older, we start to realize we need to make decisions for ourselves, not other people, but when you've spent your whole life being told you are lazy and uncaring, you end up paralyzed for fear of disappointing those you love, a Catch 22 is set up where anything that is not 'suitable' in your fathers eyes would just be living up to the accusations.

It seems to me that what may be missing in your life is your life.

[Flak]

Could be the thing you are missing after all. I was in the same situation, I kept getting 1 digit rank in class without knowing what it means. It is more because my parents who were back then more naive than they are today, followed what others do. I just got pressurized to do well, little did I know what is the difference of getting 60% or 80% in school, and I slowly breaking inside without realizing it. Maybe I tried to earn a praise that I could never get, or just avoid their nagging? I don't know. The result? I become a highly brilliant boy, with very low self esteem and almost no self confidence at all.

I finally broke midway in university, failed half the subjects for some semesters and almost getting dropped out. They didn't chose to drop me out, but I picked to eject anyway, I couldn't stand the pressure anymore. I get darkened, or whatever it is called. A shadow of my former 'glory'. However, I am glad something out there prevented me from breaking down completely. I get better understanding of things now in fact. Maybe God think I am more useful like this than if I am a stereotypical 'good man'? Or is it just I am born too different from the others? Only time will tell. But I like my 'darkened' form.

So, no matter what, don't give up yet. You don't want to cross the despair horizon for sure. I myself haven't found my exact 'calling' or whatever that is, but I know sooner or later I will. Everything that don't kill you make you stronger they said.

Now, if only I find a way to revive my musical talent, my modernism-educated dad thought it is worthless, until recently anyway

I just turned 28 2 days ago, and I even forgot all about it until my sister reminded me.

[Hellzed]

One of my big issues with 99% of my classmates is that they don't seem to care about anything. Welcome to the realm of cynicism.
They'll be in positions where their decisions will impact real people's lives, and they absolutely don't care.
Some weeks ago, a group of people did a presentation on internet freedom, and I participated in the debate. Right after it, some people of the group came to me, and told me "it was a good talk". Only "a good talk". Understand what they do care about is "having a good talk", not the issue itself.
If it was an isolated incident (I understand nobody can be interested in absolutely everything), I would be ok with it. But it happens every week. Replace "internet freedom" with any other society issue (employment, corruption, racism, gender issues), it still holds true.
I would be glad if somebody would actually *disagree* with me, on anything. You can't *disagree* if you *don't care*. You can only counter argument, to prove something, maybe that you are better than anyone else.
There even is an oral argument contest when I've seen people defending dictatorship in front of a board of senior international relations analysts and journalists *because it's fun and  interesting*. I personally find it offensive.

You can imagine that it will change when they get real jobs, get in touch with reality. It doesn't. Or it gets worse.
Most of the people I knew, who actually cared about something, quit the school one or two years ago, because they felt so out of place. They switched to full journalism classes, or full social sciences classes, or even cooperative development.

(I had a talk last november with one of my favourite sci-fi authors, he was teaching in the same type of school, in another city, and he actually quit teaching for full time writing because of the same reason. Now he only goes back to teaching for 1 or 2 semesters when he needs money. )

(I used to work as a medical secretary, a social science interviewer, and talked to a lot of unemployed people, or people living out of part time jobs as a moderator on some internet communities, and somehow i feel different from who i was in my first year of school)

[Nuke]

To be the other side of the coin here, despite it being a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, don't expect them to be a 100% fool proof solution.

but something is definitely missing in my life.

You're missing purpose, whether that purpose is for yourself or for another, from what it sounds like it is what you lack.

Recommended option is purpose for yourself, that is to say as others have, find a hobby that you enjoy. Alternatively, start figuring out what you're going to do with the education you've just obtained for yourself. Makes sense that it comes up now rather than before because the end is nigh. You've had the purpose of learning in order to have something for later. The problem here just being (from what it sounds like) is that you haven't spent enough time figuring out what the later is. Learning means nothing if you don't have somewhere to use it, so figure out how to make use of it. Give it purpose

There's other ways of finding purpose for the things you do, but without sufficient information (you know best regardless) only you can really figure that out



Unrecommended route is finding purpose in another, like a significant other. Reason why it's unrecommended stems from the fact **** can and will most likely go wrong leaving you in a possibly deeper situation

shrinks only work with repeat visits, which cost a fortune, which with the state of healthcare in murica, is impossible to pay for.

[Flipside]

I went to University as a mature student, mature enough to be older than many of the teachers, so I do kind of understand how it can be frustrating when you feel that those around you are a little....naive as to the nature of real life or the personal relevance of Legal or Ethical discussions, the truth is, for many students it's about knowing just enough to get a bit of paper that will let them get a job, that's not a bad thing, but can be annoying for those who are looking for something more from the course.

But all you can do in life, all you can ever do, is your own best, you can't fill in the gaps for other people, you'll just end up emotionally and physically exhausted, take it from me.

As for the whole 'defending dictatorship' thing, I wouldn't take that to heart, there are places in the world where defending Democracy would get you hurt, so just consider it a symbol of the Freedom you have the luxury of enjoying, and remember, much of that panel is probably thinking 'Oh No, not Defending Dictatorship again', because it probably happens at every University/School/College they visit.

[LHN91]

When we are young, we try to do things to make our parents proud of us, and to feel you are not earning approval can leave a scar.

As we get older, we start to realize we need to make decisions for ourselves, not other people, but when you've spent your whole life being told you are lazy and uncaring, you end up paralyzed for fear of disappointing those you love, a Catch 22 is set up where anything that is not 'suitable' in your fathers eyes would just be living up to the accusations.

It seems to me that what may be missing in your life is your life.

I second this. This reflects almost eerily the situation of someone very dear to me. It's a very difficult situation to work through.

[Ghostavo]

To be the other side of the coin here, despite it being a good idea to go to a psychiatrist, don't expect them to be a 100% fool proof solution.

but something is definitely missing in my life.

You're missing purpose, whether that purpose is for yourself or for another, from what it sounds like it is what you lack.

Recommended option is purpose for yourself, that is to say as others have, find a hobby that you enjoy. Alternatively, start figuring out what you're going to do with the education you've just obtained for yourself. Makes sense that it comes up now rather than before because the end is nigh. You've had the purpose of learning in order to have something for later. The problem here just being (from what it sounds like) is that you haven't spent enough time figuring out what the later is. Learning means nothing if you don't have somewhere to use it, so figure out how to make use of it. Give it purpose

There's other ways of finding purpose for the things you do, but without sufficient information (you know best regardless) only you can really figure that out



Unrecommended route is finding purpose in another, like a significant other. Reason why it's unrecommended stems from the fact **** can and will most likely go wrong leaving you in a possibly deeper situation

shrinks only work with repeat visits, which cost a fortune, which with the state of healthcare in murica, is impossible to pay for.

As I said:

Some (most ?) schools/universities have those kind of services available for students free of charge.