[ToecrusherHammerjaw]

Something I've always pondered came back to me in class today.  A while back, someone here had said the Welcome Speech of HLP had taken on a life of it's own.  If that is true, I have a modest proposal:  We should see who among us can create the most inventive version of the welcome speech.  I've tried a few variations, but nothing serious, and I'm curious as to what could come of some semi-serious thinking on the speech.

So, what are we waiting for?  All hands, man the beam cannons!!   

[Grey Wolf]

Just stick with the classics, in my opinion.

[StratComm]

We need a newbie with a good question.  The welcome speech doesn't get broken out for a mere contest

[Ford Prefect]

"Welcome to HLP. Burn in hell, christofascist."

[Turey]

well, i'm not a newbie, but i never got a welcome speech.....

[karajorma]

The speech goes in cycles. Some months everyone get it, some months they just get beamed and sometimes they don't get either.

[Prophet]

From certain point of view the Welcome Speech does have a life of it's own. No one can really understand it. Sometimes it just disappears for moths, only to come back again suddenly, and sometimes, brutally posessing members and causing them to do unspeakable things. Only the eldest of us know how to direct the Welcome Speech, but only partially, for it can never be truly cotrolled. You could see the Welcome Speech is the bigger brother of the Welcome Beam, wich is seen more often, and is easier to control. The Welcome Speech rarely appears without the Welcome Beam, but once the two appear together, the results can be devastating. Indeed many newbies feel their life is forever changed by the Welcome Beam. Those who have experienced both the Welcome Beam, and the Welcome Speech, seldom speak about it. But when they do, the do it with deep fear and sincere admiration. It is difficult to say how they choose their "victims". But many newbies who have been spared from them feel some relief, but cant help to wonder what would it been like to face even one of them.

These, "things", are only two of the many mysteries that still haunt the halls of HLP. But they cetainly are the most common, and the most powerfull of them all.

[ToecrusherHammerjaw]

Very deep.  Alright, bad suggestion, then.

[Polpolion]

I remember Transhman saying something like this:

Welcome to the HLP station. Exits are behind you, and through that airlock. There are flamerthrowers under the seats, but we ran out of napalm, so we filled the canisters with water instead. There are plasma guns in weapon lockers, but only admins can get to those. If you ever find a Shivan in a ventilation shaft, give him your lunch and he may leave you alone.


I forget evrything else. There might not be anything else, but it looked longer in his post.


EDIT: just in case any newbie is looking...

[StratComm]

Ah, too new.  Not quite right, I'm afraid.  There's at least 5 things that must be present to be a proper welcome speech.  You've got the flamethrowers and the Shivan (but that only counts as a half because you didn't mention Carl) but have no mention of the Hyperintelligent shade of Blue, your exit points are completely wrong, and you didn't lock that beam before firing.  And of course, there's all sorts of other stuff that's grown into the speech over the years.

[Ford Prefect]

Yeah, it's gotten so nerdy that it actually shoves itself into a locker.

[Grey Wolf]

I miss the shotguns.

[Martinus]

I miss the shotguns.

I'm quite proud of the little tradition I started back in the day. I wonder who started beaming people though?

Wow, I just checked, we've been doing the orientation speech since 2001 in all its myriad forms.

[Grey Wolf]

I miss the shotguns.

I'm quite proud of the little tradition I started back in the day. I wonder who started beaming people though?

Wow, I just checked, we've been doing the orientation speech since 2001 in all its myriad forms.

What can I say? I'm a traditionalist

[Nuclear1]

I miss the shotguns.

And the 20mm mortar duels and jello wrestling (knife fights prohibited, of course).

[an0n]

I prefer a simple:

"Welcome to the HLPBB - shotguns are located under your seats, exits are to thOMG!! IT'S ESCAPED! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

[Corsair]

The one I've been using recently goes something like this...

Welcome to HLP!

Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device.  The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin, [V] God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Finally, don't call Kalfireth Thunder. He doesn't like to be reminded of his former schizophrenic personalities.


It's definitely been interesting to watch them all evolve over the years...