Author Topic: The jokes thread  (Read 6540 times)

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Offline Razor

  • 210
Post your favorite jokes. It can be a picture, a text, anything.

Here I found one:

American in Mexico  

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"

 

Offline Petrarch of the VBB

  • Koala-monkey
  • 211
Oh, the hilarity, haha, haha, haha, [ Dies ]

 

Offline 01010

  • 26
What frequency are you getting? Is it noise or sweet sweet music? - Refused - Liberation Frequency.

 

Offline Stryke 9

  • Village Person
    Reset count: 4
  • 211
You know what are really great? Jokes with punchlines you don't see coming a mile away.:p

Uh, most of my faves are of the "you had to be there" variety, or at least the "you have to have a good bit of advance knowledge about everyone and everything involved" sort. I think the last short, simple joke I ever found particularly funny was the roo-roo one, and that was years ago. Plus, I got told it by somebody who embellished quite well.

That pic's pretty damn funny, though.

 

Offline Top Gun

  • 23
Here's something for the mathematically minded amongst us.
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. She tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, "Was she still convergent?" He decided to integrate properly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative that he was bent on no good.

"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said, "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's go to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.

"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heaviside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hôpital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

 

Offline aldo_14

  • Gunnery Control
  • 213
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Mexican, a horse, a duck and a snail walk into a bar.  



The barman says 'Wait a minute, is this some kind of a joke?'

 

Offline Blue Lion

  • Star Shatterer
  • 210
Quote
Originally posted by aldo_14
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Mexican, a horse, a duck and a snail walk into a bar.  



The barman says 'Wait a minute, is this some kind of a joke?'



Ok, for some reason, that was very funny

 

Offline 01010

  • 26
Re: Here's something for the mathematically minded amongst us.
Quote
Originally posted by Top Gun
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. She tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, "Was she still convergent?" He decided to integrate properly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative that he was bent on no good.

"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said, "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's go to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.

"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heaviside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hôpital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.


What frequency are you getting? Is it noise or sweet sweet music? - Refused - Liberation Frequency.

 

Offline Unknown Target

  • Get off my lawn!
  • 212
  • Push.Pull?
Quote
Originally posted by aldo_14
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Mexican, a horse, a duck and a snail walk into a bar.  



The barman says 'Wait a minute, is this some kind of a joke?'


How can a snail walk?:D
Ok, here's one:

This priest is sitting in his confessions box, and really has to take a piss, but he worries that he won't be there if someone comes in to discuss something really bad. A woman walks in. The priest
thanks God for the reprieve, and goes and gets the janitor.

"Tom," he sais, "I really need some help".

"Sure, what do you need?" the janitor replies.

"You see that woman over there? I really have to take a piss, and I can't talk to her right now. I need you to fill in for me. Don't worry, though, she hasn't commited a sin in 30 years."

"Well, I don't know" the janitor says hesitantly.

"Trust me, just tell her that Our Lord God blesses and forgives her."

"Ok, if you say so."

So the janitor goes into the box, and in steps the woman.

"Priest," she says, "I know I've been coming here for years just to bug you, but I really think I have commited a sin. Just yesterday, I gave three men a blowjob."

The janitor thinks, oh, ****!, but he manages to stutter out:

"Hold on one minute."

He runs off and gets the alter boy.

"Alter boy, alter boy! What does the priest give for blowjobs?!"

"Oh..." the alter boy replies, "as of this week, 3 candy bars and a soda."

 

Offline Thorn

  • Drunk on the east coast.
  • 210
  • What is this? I don't even...
Two Japanese business men and a Canadian are sitting in a sauna. The Canadian looks up when he hears a cell phone ringing. He looks around for the source of the sound but cant find it. One of the Japanese men begins talking into his wrist. The man finishes talking and explains to the Canadian "I have a cell phone implanted in my wrist." This amazes the Canadian....
He then hears another beeping... the Canadian looks around for the source and sees the other Japanese looking at a small LCD panel in his arm... The Japanese explains "I had a pager implanted in my arm." This is too much for the Canadian. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. He comes back a few minutes later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The Japanese politely points this out to him. The Canadian looks down and says "Oh! I'm getting a fax!"

 

Offline Razor

  • 210
Good one! Hey go to www.jokes.com and see what you can find.

Here's one:

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

 

Offline vadar_1

  • Mr. Crispy
  • 29
  • .
    • http://dynamic4.gamespy.com/~freespace/hosted/fullcircle/
I'm a dirty stinking retard with a foul sense of humor. Laugh at me.
"Shockingly, checking Draw Lines Between Marked Icons draws lines between the marked icons. " -Volition quality help files

Projects;
The Full Circle Project (site down - server side problem)
Paradox (site down - server side problem)

 

Offline Razor

  • 210
Now that was  a sick joke vadar. :mad: You may really insult someone with it. I recommend you to edit your post. It's better you, than the ahem.... you know who.

 

Offline Knight Templar

  • Stealth
  • 212
  • I'm a magic man, I've got magic hands.
Quiet you, you got my favorite thread killed a 2nd time.
Knock Knock


Who's there?


Me.


Me who?


... I don't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore.

« Last Edit: November 18, 2002, 06:03:25 pm by 675 »
Copyright ©1976, 2003, KT Enterprises. All rights reserved

"I don't want to get laid right now. I want to get drunk."- Mars

Too Long, Didn't Read

 

Offline WMCoolmon

  • Purveyor of space crack
  • 213
Quote
Here's something for the mathematically minded amongst us.

*Wonders what CP's reaction will be :p*
-C

 

Offline Stryke 9

  • Village Person
    Reset count: 4
  • 211
Quote
Originally posted by vadar_1
I'm a dirty stinking retard with a foul sense of humor. Laugh at me.
 


Well, I didn't laugh, but it was funnier than 90% of the stuff here. Just so long as you keep away from the dead baby jokes.;)

 

Offline Nuclear1

  • 211
Quote
Originally posted by aldo_14
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Mexican, a horse, a duck and a snail walk into a bar.  



The barman says 'Wait a minute, is this some kind of a joke?'


ya know, my expression changed from a :blah: to a :wtf: then to a :lol: when i read that....

:D
Spoon - I stand in awe by your flawless fredding. Truely, never before have I witnessed such magnificant display of beamz.
Axem -  I don't know what I'll do with my life now. Maybe I'll become a Nun, or take up Macrame. But where ever I go... I will remember you!
Axem - Sorry to post again when I said I was leaving for good, but something was nagging me. I don't want to say it in a way that shames the campaign but I think we can all agree it is actually.. incomplete. It is missing... Voice Acting.
Quanto - I for one would love to lend my beautiful singing voice into this wholesome project.
Nuclear1 - I want a duet.
AndrewofDoom - Make it a trio!

 

Offline 01010

  • 26
Quote
Originally posted by Razor
Now that was  a sick joke vadar. :mad: You may really insult someone with it. I recommend you to edit your post. It's better you, than the ahem.... you know who.


What frequency are you getting? Is it noise or sweet sweet music? - Refused - Liberation Frequency.

 

Offline Fineus

  • ...But you *have* heard of me.
  • Administrator
  • 212
    • Hard Light Productions
I've "taken care" of things :)

 

Offline Blue Lion

  • Star Shatterer
  • 210
You missed a quote, if you were looking for it :nervous: