Only about 3 people will get this...
Chewbacca would look roughly the same, except he'd only be 5 feet tall,
from Blackhill, and called Shug.
He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos,
permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Celtic or
Rangers top.
Obi-Wan-Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by
his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would call him
"wanky nobby".
Darth Vader would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of
stress "That dome heided bastard".
R2-D2 would refuse to go out onto the streets at night after 10pm
because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in
his casing, or pissing on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of
wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray
painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages, C3PO would still be unable
to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He
would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin' faced poof fae
Newton Mearns"
The Millennium Falcon would have static stripes, tinted wind screens and
extra- flared exhaust pipes. It would have a Daily Record "I love
Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltaire (St Andrews Cross)
bumper sticker.
Princess Leia Would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run
very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels, and a tiny silver
mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And
you've been a heavy smoker since the age of six.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be an all
out attack, Two easy ways would be - 1) Alter its orbit so it passed
through Bridgeton, and tell the locals that it was full of Roman
Catholics. 2) Leave in unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film would be uttered in vernacular:-
Han Solo
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
(Ah'm ****tin ma sel' here boy!)
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around"
(Come right ahead then c****! Fight the f***ing lot o ye!)
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny"
(The force?! D'youse think ah came doon wae the rain?!)
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Blaster at
your side kid."
(Nae messin aboot wae the God squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get
yersel' a decent shooter)
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker
"The Force is strong in this one"
(Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd)
Princess Leia
"You're a little short to be a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
(Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis)
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade"
(Wuv got nae chance in this pile o' ****e)
Admiral Motti
"don't try to frighten us with your sorcerers ways, Lord Vader"
(You think yer that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!)
Obi Wan
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force"
(F*** me, whit wiz aw that?)
Luke to the Emperor
"Your overconfidence is your weakness"
(Oh ye bloody think so!!)
