[SadisticSid]

http://www.watleyreview.com/2004/111604-3.html

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

Leading internet provider America Online (AOL) has confirmed a stunning statistic leaked by a dissatisfied employee last week, in documents sold to Fox News for an undisclosed sum.

"While we vigorously condemn the illegal theft of internal company documents, we must admit that they are in fact authentic," said a grim-looking Joe Redley, AOL's chief marketing officer. "Further, the facts as stated in the memos recently released to news organizations are in fact true; namely, that it does appear that a sizeable percentage of AOL subscribers do not, in fact, possess computers."

Until recently, the premier entry point to the Internet frontier, America Online is now trying to reinvent itself in a high-speed Internet world. Parent company Time Warner said last week that AOL lost 646,000 subscribers in the third quarter, reducing its subscriber count to 22.7 million U.S. members as of Sept. 30. It lost two million subscribers year over year. The revelation that 40% of its subscribers do not own computers could not have come at a worse time.

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."

AOL was able to get away with this, apparently, because so many people are unclear as to what the internet is, or what benefits to expect from an online account.

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL. The only complaint on record at the Internet Fraud Complaint Center is from a dissatisfied AOL subscriber who grumbled that its vaunted pop-up blocking service failed to counteract her husband's Cialis.

"Well, these documents do explain one thing," said Kowshik. "I always wondered how AOL managed to maintain a customer satisfaction rate of 40%. Now we know exactly which 40% of their client base that is."

[Lynx]

Marketing can do ugly things but those people must've been tards to begin with.

[Fineus]

Only in America...

[Drew]

phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Flipside]

If this were any other company........

[Styxx]

Awesome.

[aldo_14]

Susrely people can't be that stupid?

[IceFire]

Wait wait....40% of their customers are paying for a service they don't use because they don't have computers?  OR...they made up 40% of their customer base...

[karajorma]

Hmmmm. This site could replace TheOnion.com as my favourite

I particularly enjoyed this one

http://watleyreview.com/2004/110204-2.html

"We have fifty-five programmers whose exclusive job is to probe Mac OS X for potential security breaches. In fact, Microsoft has maintained a department devoted to developing Macintosh security breaches since 1984. It's part of our multi-pronged anti-Apple division."

Reporters present at the press conference were startled to hear this direct admission of the secretive division's existence, which has been strongly suspected since Microsoft's release of the astoundingly bloated and flaw-ridden MS Word 6 for the Macintosh. This version was so bad that many industry observers concluded it could only have been a deliberate attempt on the part of Microsoft to sabotage the Macintosh user community.

[aldo_14]

Originally posted by IceFire
Wait wait....40% of their customers are paying for a service they don't use because they don't have computers?  OR...they made up 40% of their customer base...

40% of their customers are paying for something without actually knowing what it is.

Which implies to me that i should start up my circus flea training school again.

[karajorma]

This one is class too

http://watleyreview.com/2004/100504-1.html

[Flipside]

LOL That last one has just got to be a wind-up

[Liberator]

Originally posted by aldo_14
Susrely people can't be that stupid?

Oh, yes they can.  You don't know some of the rednecks I do.

Still, HOLY STEAMING PILES OF CRAP FATMAN!!!!!!

*thinks for a minute*
The world is a plum waiting for me to pick it.

[Rictor]

This....can't be real. I refuse to believe it.

edit: wait, no, its satire. Nevermind. Had me going for a second there.

[kode]

well, it could be true. and that wouldn't have surprised me.

[KARMA]

if true:rolleyes: , those AOL guys are genious. Bastards, but genius. 40%? ouch!:)

[aldo_14]

Originally posted by Rictor


This....can't be real. I refuse to believe it.

edit: wait, no, its satire. Nevermind. Had me going for a second there.

i dunno.  This is AOL users we're talking about here.

[Sandwich]

Originally posted by SadisticSid
"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

Wow, I'm tired. I read that paragraph and thought, "I've got to post this on HLP!"

[Goober5000]

EDIT: This thread is very misleading.  I thought it was a real news article until I saw the other links on the site.

[karajorma]

Oh come on. Didn't this bit give it away?

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."