The First Invocation:
"We give thanks to any spiritual dieties, whoever he or they may be, and provided that they exist, for doing whatever they have done, if indeed they have done anything, and if it agrees with our own personal views on what a diety or dieties ought to be up to, no matter how disgusting, juvenile, or deviant they may be, and hope that they would continue to do whatever they or he are doing what they ought to be doing, or that they would change their ways if they are not.
"We hope that they will protect us from a diety, dieties, or forces that wish to do us harm, provided that is both proper in a universal context and would gain us entry into the version of afterlife that we would prefer, or at least that gravediggers would not disturb our coffin or ashes for a couple of years, if there turns out to not be an afterlife at all.
"We wish that they would bring peace or death to our enemies, so long as that does not give them strength to bring peace or death to us, unless that is their wish, and only if we agree with that decision.
"We pledge ourself forever to him, her, it, they, or nothing's service in a religious context, provided that it does not interfere with our jobs, education, or favorite TV or radio schedule, and barring any legal or personal action that would invalidate this contract, or possibly even if it interferes with one or more of these things, if we are especially devout.
"We would also desire that they would reveal to us some sign of their existence and/or wishes, so that we may spend less time being devout by attending monotonous services, and more time doing fun stuff, like burning heathen. If they do not provide such a sign, we may take it as a sign that they do not exist, or maybe have better things to do, or have some fantastic plan in the works that does not involve talking to us, or indeed a central point of their activities is not talking to us.
"Blessed or cursed be he, it, they, or whatever force of nature that causes the various forms of luck, if such concepts have meaning in a higher form of existence, and are not simply concepts we have come up with to explain events that we are unable to grasp with conventional reasoning."
