so you hope to one day get up to the lofty position of computer geek who goes to SG conventions?
...hmmm...
so how long are we suposed to never give up hope for? forever?! what if it never comes? are we realy suposed to tourchure ourselves all that time with fanticies of loveing and being loved in return that never come to fruition, reminding us every day how truely alone we are? why should I do that?! I've tried it, it sucks, you whana know what happens when I don't give up an unatainable hope? well let's see here, in 2003 I met a girl, she was perfict in every way, and she seemed to like me and she was single, for two years I tried to get a date, but every time something happened that would foul things up at the last second, but I didn't give up hope, first semester ended, I left her my number I didn't get a call all summer, I get back to school three months later convinced she didn't want to have anything to do with me, I purposefuly avoided her for about three months cause I thought that's what she wanted, untill I ran right into her one day in the parking lot, we had a nice conversation I told her were I would be she showed up we started talking, I saw her almost every day for the rest of that semester, I sighned up for a class I didn't want so I could sit next to her. we had many a nice days, but I could never get her to do anything outside of school. another summer came, this time we stayed in touch to a degree, I would get to talk to her about once every few weeks, near the end of the summer I finaly talked her into a movie she came we had a nice time, she said she was going out of town for a few weeks and would be back on suchandsuch date, I told her I'd take off work and we'd have plenty of time to do stuff when she got back. the time came I called off work, I left her a message, no responce, for a whole week I spent every day waiting and I got nothing, just like I spent every weekend of the last semester waiting for her, I leave her a mesage about once every other day then once a week soon many of them to the effect of "if you don't want to talk just tell me", I have in my wallet right now the mesage I prepaired for her voice mail begging her to just tell me to **** off that I didn't give her because she changed the mesage to say that she lost her phone and all the numbers (thinking that was the reason she hadn't been calling me back). I don't hear from her untill two months later when I get a hasty nervus call on a saterday morning when she tells me that she was going to school in Chicago, and she can't afford to talk to anyone in the area, I ask her how she's doing and we have an extreemly short conversation were she mentions someone I've never heard of, I ask her who that is, she asks me if I'm kidding I say no, I've never heard that name before, the phone goes dead, I call her back and in a very hurried tone she says she can't talk cause her minutes are racking up. about a month later I see her car in the mall parking lot, search every department stor and I find her, she tells me she just transfered back cause she couldn't handle Chicago and no one else knows she is here, and seems very worried that I'd tell any of her freinds. she tells me to call her, I don't. two weeks later, I decide to find her email and send her a mesage puting my feelings in as certan of terms as posable. she basicly says she's sorry and didn't mean too, and she's been dateing a guy sence summer (I don't know if that means begining or end, but it doesn't realy ****ing matter at this point), I try to stay frendly with her, and try to keep in touch, but unless I seem to be upset that she hasn't called back in months she never responds, I probly sent about a dozen emails over the course of four months, the last one was on her birthday, may 2nd, she responded saying thanks, and that was the last I heard from her. now I could keep myself in that cycle indefenately, but to hell with it, as perfict as she was as well as we got along I couldn't even get one date (unless you count the movie thing, wich I don't) if I couldn't get one date with her how the hell am I suposed to find someone else? someone better? screw it, look at my activity here for the last few years, at the end of the spring 2005 semester I did jack ****, my hopeing did nothing but consume my world into a black hole of unfufilled potential, my hope left me with nothing but hopelessness, I'm sorry, but whenever I hear these cliched phrases of advice from people who don't have these problems and never will it's like packing peanuts on a chalk board, you don't get it, hope hurts. the only way I can function is accepting my fate of being allone for the rest of my life and trying to make the best of it, rather than pretending like that's going to change some day, it's an unfortunate reality of nature not every individual pairs up, there are more men than women, some of them aren't going to get any (so to speak) I'm tired of waisting my time and my energy into these hopeless soal eating ordeals, to hell with it, can't-win-don't-play.
