[S-99]

So, january hits, i'm essentially homeless after i moved back to the town my parents live at. I refuse to move in with them. Started couch surfing with my friend alternating two different places every few nights making 3 days worth of food last 10 days (somehow the gigantic bag of chex mix lasted a month). I moved somewhere else after not being called up for interviews in the previous place i live.

Homeless for january (almost). February hits, me and my friend start up a computer tech support small business in february. Rent money comes in for both of us. Prior to that, i find a $500 room for rent with internet and heat that i struck a deal for $200 a month. My friend ends up needing to move in also since he got kicked out of his place after his landlord's discovery of my car having gotten repaired (we came back 20 minutes later to his place and his **** was all boxed up...a little ****ed up).

I get my first month of rent free since i traded with  an equivalency of money in services and goods. Friend moves in, landlord has no problem; more money for her (he was at the same rate as me, i pay his first month since he couldn't afford it...he owes me).

My landlord has a big crush on me since she's seen me 4 years ago. I think about it, and start dating her. I put in 10 job applications for whatever was available in the area i moved too. My next friend got kicked out and moved in (more money for the landlord, and my friends dad is a dick head...he conned his son so many times). I'm in a happy relationship; cool. I get called up for two jobs, I start the arduous mountains of paper work for working on a military base being a cook and cashier. Discover my girlfriend's mom is my boss, got the job only because i date her daughter. I don't mind a helping hand, but that is something that is way too intertwined with what is work and what shouldn't be involved with work...still disgusted about this. Her family are great people and like me a lot. So, it's all good otherwise.

I end up from the start coordinating everything where i live so everyone spends less and **** gets done. Long lasting food stores, me rearing the puppy, everyone getting their own assigned chores, me cooking dinner and breakfast for everyone and any other kind of helping hand i can provide within reason. My gf and i are like parents to two teenagers and a toddler which is the puppy (my two room mates are ridiculously great people that eat like teenagers despite being in their mid early twenties, and the puppy just acts likes a 4 year old human like most dogs). I'm in a happy relationship and everything is great.

I get bogged down later on. I get home from work to do more work that involves me making more money, after that, there's all the stuff i do when i get home which is getting ridiculous. Everyone wants my attention, i'm mr popular (i don't get a break). Try to break up with my gf. She takes it really hard, misunderstands me later and thinks that i'm getting back together with her (i don't give a **** if i need to move out, i make sure i have other options). Find out she has very low self esteem and otherwise wallows in her own self pity every day among other dysfunctions (she basically wanted to keep me around for the sake of simply keeping me around as her bf. After time of helping bolster her self esteem and other qualities and letting her know she's not alone in the world. She basically has shown 5% progress in the two months i've known this about her. And i get *****ed at if i don't spend any time with her. Her version of spending time with her is 4 hours on the couch watching tv when i get home from work. I want to move around and do ****, not to mention all of the people here that help make this place work that i need to be involved with everyday. It's ****ed up that my gf doesn't understand this. She doesn't like to put through her head that i created a household with her permission that she doesn't want to understand why i'm so ****ing busy and i divide my time equally among everyone because i have too.

She's like deeply in love with me, while i'm drifting away from her. She won't improve herself despite me helping and encouraging her (after being with her over 4 months, first i didn't see what was going on, now i do, and notice hardly any difference in what's driving me away despite bolstering and encouraging her). And all of this **** i put up with every day. I need to break up with her. Mean while, i'm not quite exactly financially stable, despite her objections to it, i still pay rent here, i increased the amount of rent i pay since i've gotten a job. She's even getting my current car from me. I could give less of a **** what her mom thinks when i do this. Her mom's a pretty logical person, i'm a great worker. I'm not going to get **** canned because i broke up with her daughter. The clout i have with her family, they will understand why i did. I can't marry her, her siblings already see me as a brother in law, already after 4 months, this is all ****ed up (i'd expect this kind of commitment after a year, not this soon).

How should i break this off? I'm a really really really great guy (even when i was poor and rearing the dog and everyone doing coordinated chores, I used my brain and  was able to reduce her expenses every month by 1/3). I don't want to hurt her, and i don't desire any backlash either. This is something between me and her, and that's how it should stay. I'm overstressed and spread too thin.

[karajorma]

Did you deliberately choose that title to invite "Stick it in her pooper" jokes?


Anyway, now that's gotten that out of the way, the others can respond with some advice.

[BloodEagle]

#1. I don't know if it's your wording, but you kind of sound like a complete asshole.

#2. The simplest way I can think of would be to send her a link to this thread.  Note: This would make you a complete asshole.

[bigchunk1]

I don't know if I fully understand where you're at with your GF, and I'm underqualified to talk about relationships, but have you tried spending time with her on your terms?

Maybe next time she wants to watch TV you say: "I think I'm going to go for a walk for a bit, you're welcome to come along if you like."

It seems like a more fair relationship when both people in it try to meet the needs of the other.

If you're in "get out" mode I think you should be straight up with her. At least let her know how spread thin you are in terms of time. The economic imbalance of the relationship makes things complicated though.

[Wobble73]

Give her the old "It's not you it's me" line 

Scratch that, change it to "It's not me it's you" 

[Hades]

hlp is probably the worse place to ask for relationship advice and all

just saying

[Dilmah G]

Oh, come on! We're not *that* bad...

But srs, I have no idea. Out of my realm of life experience, with all the ****e dependent on other ****e. My gut instinct is to have a nice chat, sort things out, see if they can be sorted out and part ways. But seeing as that's more or less failed, I have nothing else to offer, really.

[sigtau]

hlp is probably the worse place to ask for relationship advice and all

just saying

It is.

Oh, come on! We're not *that* bad...

Bull****.

[Dilmah G]

What did we ever do to you, sigtau?

[Nuke]

well look at the relationship status of the members of the community, we do have a few family types here an there, but everyone else is either:

1. a total virgin
2. only capable of self destructive non sustainable relationships with mentally unstable individuals
3. a total whore
4. normal people in normal relationships (the rarest group of them all)

where im somewhere between 2 and 3.

that said there is nothing wrong with saying "its over". the best thing you can do is make it as clear as possible. tell her in front of her friends and/or family, so that there are zero mixed signals. mentally unstable types tend to blot it out and pretend it did not happen. from there any time you show even the slightest bit of concern for her she will believe that you "changed your mind" and want her back. so from here on avoidance is the best bet. if you run into here, say hi and end it there. you dont want to lead her into believing that you want her back. she needs a little time for the message to set in. during this time you should, out of shear courtesy, do not introduce her to new girlfriends or show public displays of affection for anyone else in her presence, which she may perceive as cheating leading to a whole other slew of reckless and self destructive behavior. if doing this is awkward with regards to your living situation, then move/change jobs if you can. kind of tough with the tight knit communities in our part of the world, but meh.

if it were me id be all in and ready to stick it in her pooper, and destroy my life with fail relationship, but thats just how i roll.

[Polpolion]

What did we ever do to you, sigtau?

He probably followed someone's advice. To be perfectly blunt you can only blame yourself when you ask people you've never met on the internet for advice and bad things happens. Any good advice you've gotten almost anywhere on the internet is just luck. And honestly if you actually think HLP is the worst place to ask for relationship advice you've had a pretty ****ing sheltered experience on the internet. On the other hand, the internet is a good place to vent about things, as long as you're not expecting much in return. HLP is a little better for that since the ratio of cool-dudes to total-assholes is fairly high.

[BlueFlames]

I would suggest hiring a prostitute to appear at the apartment, when your landlord is to be there.  This will shift the burden of the breakup onto her, so that you, as such a really, really, really great guy who dates people he's in a professional relationship with and accepts the benefits of nepotism from their family, don't have to deal with it. 

[deathfun]

Take a step back and evaluate everything that's causing you stress. List them off and see how you can deal with each aspect individually
Afterall, she isn't the sole cause of all of your stress (a great deal sure, but you don't seem to make it out as it being all the stress in your life is coming from her)
You got bogged down with stuff afterall, and being Mr. Popular can be fixed by a simple "No" every once in a while. It's up to you to decide where and when your attention is required

The best way to deal with complicated situations is to reduce the factors that are causing your mind to be distracted.
Simple little idea that could go a long way: Don't always be the one who cooks. There's four people living there. I'm sure the other three are more than capable as cooks too


My question being, is why did you figure breaking up with your girlfriend in the first place was a good idea? It seems unclear on your reasoning as all I saw was "I got bogged down, became the go to guy for everything, so I chose to break up with my girl". Afterall, you didn't know of her situation until after the first attempt, so what was your reasoning?

[Bobboau]

I'm not quite sure I follow your reasoning for wanting the breakup, but I don't have to.

are you able to move to a different place? then straight up break it off. tell her that you are breaking up and tell her why and tell her its over and if she is as deep as you say initiate no further communications, and respond to hers with as brief of responses as possible, 'letting her of easily' will only hurt more.

if you can't more out, then she has you over a barrel and you are going to have a hard time getting by without her.

[Cyborg17]

I have a crap load of French homework to do, but I'll do my best to give you some advice.

First of all your girlfriend sounds like a Peacemaker.  Peacemakers, the long version.

I've known about 5 peacemakers in my life, (that I know about).  And they're really hard to motivate to change because of the very nature of their personality.  They, by default, resist change to avoid tension.  Many peacemakers will watch television or spend long amounts of time doing other things because it kind of calms them down.  Having someone around who they are used to and love also helps them to diffuse tension.  This is probably why she wants to do that: she probably feels safe when you do. 

She is not improving like you want her to improve.  This is not a reason to break up with her necessarily.  Maybe there's something else wrong that's going on here?  Do you know how you accept love and give love?  Does she show love to you in a way that you understand and can accept?  Is there fairness in the way that you treat her and how she treats you?

I can say at least this much:

The way you're expecting her to change is typical of a certain way of thinking.  This way of thinking believes that there is some kind of currency: they should give back to you as much as you should be giving to them.  This way of thinking is fundamentally unfair.  It assumes that both parties have equal strength to give, and it leaves out a large part of what makes love love: forbearance, mercy, forgiveness.

From what little I see about you, I guess that you are either a Helper or an Enthusiast. (my money being on the helper) If you are a helper, then you need to realize that sometimes helping is supposed to happen without getting anything in return.  Yes, you have emptied yourself for those people, but it does not count for much if you demand something back. 

I know that it is hard to deal with her and your immature roommates, and that both are draining you.  I've had very difficult people as roommates as well, and I also had a girlfriend with low self-esteem.  You cannot be their crutch.  Neither is it good to kick them to the curb(literally or figuratively).  But you should decide for yourself what is most fair to everyone in the situation -- And that should supersede what you think is the best possible outcome for you.

Treat her and your friends with fairness, understanding that you cannot fix them or be their crutch.  Bear the things you have started out to a good end.

That is the advice I have for you.

[Flipside]

I think it's always a bad idea to treat a relationship as a 'job', where the other person has stuff that you somehow need to fix. This is the weak spot in many relationships in my experience, two people go out with each other and then try to mold the other person into what they wanted, rather than value what they have.

That said, it sounds more to me like what is driving you away is as much other people's expectations of you as your expectations of other people. I can't really advise you on what to say or do, but I would suggest that it's not really us you need to be talking to, it's her.

[NGTM-1R]

#1. I don't know if it's your wording, but you kind of sound like a complete asshole.

Because of this issue I am unable to offer useful advice without running the risk of trying to sabotage you, intentionally or otherwise.

[Trivial Psychic]

I don't have advice as to what to do, but rather where to go.  If you're unsure about how to handle her delicate ego, perhaps you should seek advice from the one person you know who should know her the best... her mother.  I know that you are trying to find a way of avoiding mixing work with your personal life, but this is an opportunity to discuss the situation with someone else who (I would expect) has her best interests at heart and has know her for a few decades.  Also, since you work for her, you can talk to her about it without drawing any overt attention.  Furthermore, you have not given us any indication that her mother is unstable or unreasonable.

Hope this helps.

Aside from that, you could always pray... no sarcasm.

[Ravenholme]

#1. I don't know if it's your wording, but you kind of sound like a complete asshole.

Because of this issue I am unable to offer useful advice without running the risk of trying to sabotage you, intentionally or otherwise.

I'm kinda with NGTM-1R/BloodEagle on this one, and I don't like being so. I think I fall into Nuke's rarest 4th category, and whilst I see problems there with the girl in question and how her family are approaching your relationship, you're also at fault. Have you actually sat her down and talked about.. well.. everything you posted?

[Mars]

Have you talked with her about anything involving you and your relationship? You don't go out with people with the intention of fixing them.