Oh? Oh? Blocked toilet is tough? Well let me tell you a little something about my week and then think whether that was bad since I'm pretty sure you need to up the ante! CAUTION: GRAPHICAL IMAGINARY - you have been warned!!!
It all started on Tuesday afternoon after leaving work, I felt a bit of pressure in both the stomach and the lower intestines (good start, eh?). I did my normal shopping and returned back to home. It took maybe ten minutes before I started to feel an irresistible urge to fart and since this is quite a normal thing when you are alone at home, I let it loose. Except, it didn't turn out to be quite what I expected. It is a sort of daunting terror that creeps up your spine when you start to feel warm wetness spreading from your number two. This isn't happening! This can't be happening! But it did, so I managed to **** my pants, luckily two layers of clothing was enough to prevent the stuff from touching the furniture - much.
So, I started to lumber towards the WC like a cross of zombie and a patient with a serious hip injury, head quite forward and arse quite backwards. No serious incidents happened between the three meters between the porcelain throne and my usual computer station, though it took more than 20 seconds to "proceed" there in the above mentioned stance, trying to minimize the possibility of further leakage on the wooden floor which would be a major pain in the arse to remove without water. So there I got, and lowered the pants and took a look on the byproducts of the aforementioned reaction, and saw quite brown wet stuff. At this point I was like ****, a 30 year old person cannot **** his pants, I thought this **** was already over when I turned 5. Not so, said the nature, and Mika sat next twenty minutes on the famous ring to bind them all, listening to the rather curious combined noises and gurglings his intestines and the water splashes did. Interestingly, it appears that today there hasn't been ANY water absoprtion by the urinary tract, and all that stuff came out from the dark side!
Maybe I just ate something that didn't cling right, I thought, as I went directly to the bathroom and put the two layers of underside clothing directly to the washing machine, to remove all evidence of the "leakage" as soon as possible. We can't have this **** going on in an adult household, now can we?
Not so. This all was just a precursor to the worst diarrhea EVAR, which made me go to the toilet something like twenty times on the following night, making the sanitary paper feel like roughened grit sand paper. It became so bad I had to go clean the back side under the shower, with a lot of soap. Yes I did write that down, shower and soap, happy now? Anyways, at the sound of gurgling at a specific point of lower abdomen, I learned that at this point, I had about 20 seconds to get up and to the toilet while at the same time not causing excessive pressure in the stomach area. This had to be done in order to avoid ****ting in the bed, which would have resulted in one expensive furniture investment.
Wednesday turned out worse (can you can imagine this?), not only had I a very aggressive diarrhea, but I was also picking up temperature at a steady state. It grounded me to bed for the rest of the day, all the while it was impossible to eat or drink anything, which made me a bit concerned about the liquid balance of my body. Stomach seemed to have grown a sort of protective layer around it, I expected nothing could get absorbed through it, and the rest of the intestines weren't any better. I couldn't even go to see a doctor, since leaving the WC more than 10 metres away was very risky, and I don't know what would have happened had I get to see a doctor with **** flowing out from both legs of the trousers. So I had to go to bed, fill a canister with water and just hope some of it does NOT get through. I wasn't that lucky, and back to the porcelain throne I went a numerous times, each times wondering what the hell have I done wrong to get my digestive tract turned to Cloaca Maxima. But I can tell you now that there is surprisingly LOT of liquid in the human digestive tract, you just don't know it since most of it is should get absorbed.
However, progressing towards the evening, I started to be more concerned on the liquid balance - especially since the fever was approaching +39 degree levels - I started to hear a specific pop song in my mind which refrain goes like "Now stop sipping and let's start drinking!" (Translation mine, this refers to certain alcoholic tendencies of Finns). I sort of considered that as a hint, and braved the coldness and went to kitchen to boil some water. You know, it's a bit more complicated than just boiling the water, you have to get it in right temperature to allow the body to absorb it as efficiently as possible. Make it too cold, and **** YOU'RE GONNA SHIVER!!! Make it too hot, and you'll sweat for quite a long time so that body can cool it down - thus increasing the risk it would be pushed out before ever getting to the colon where it could get absorbed. The most impressive thing is that this sort of stuff comes to mind at +39 degree fever when you haven't eaten anything for 24 hours!
Surprisingly, that was an improvement, since the warmed juice didn't come out (immediately), and the fever actually started to lower after some hours of VERY careful tossing and turning in the bed. It is a sort of relief to see your urinary tract starting to function after this - that happened on this night and brought a sort of grin to my face. I was able to sleep something like 4 hour blocks, a great improvement of the earlier two hour blocks of the last night. Yesterday, I was finally able to eat something more substantial - at 23.00 hours. But I can now start to see why travellers to Asia are grateful to get dry farts instead of "wet flock of Sparrows" as Madventures put it.
Yes, this story is true, you can't make up **** like this!
So you thought you had a tough couple of hours, eh?
