Author Topic: Just a message  (Read 651 times)

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Offline Concededarc

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Hi guys.

I've been a lurker for many years now.

I just wanted to say you are all amazing.
You've created things, for free, on your own, that are more beautiful than anything a billion-dollar industry can achieve.

I only dream that I could match that one day.

I wont because I'm a mess. And I'm beyond help. Ive seen over a dozen therapists and they all say the same thing. Many straight up admit they dont know what to tell me. I just cant let go of what is destroying me. Wont let go. Would rather die.

One day ill die, likely from killing myself. When that happens, the pittance that is my life savings will go to HLP. You guys are the only beauty in my life. I wish I could join you. To create like you. But I just refuse to let go of my impossible demons..

See you in the verse.

 

Offline wookieejedi

  • 28
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Hi Concededarc, HLP is indeed an amazing, great community and even though I've only been a member for 4 years I can say that this community appreciates and is very helpful to new people who want to try things. If you want to create something I suggest starting small, and working your way up into larger projects. I started with just editing table files, and eventually that grew and grew until I released my own mod.

Let me also say from experience with depression that no one is beyond help. I had to try many many different things before I finally found something that worked and helped, and some people's advice didn't help. But as tough as things can be there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it. If you would like feel free to PM me and we can talk, and as a fellow HLP member I am here for you.

Also if you want to talk with more of the community there is also a public Discord channel if you are interested, I would be happy to invite you!
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Offline rubixcube

  • best username ever
  • 28
Hi guys.

I've been a lurker for many years now.

I just wanted to say you are all amazing.
You've created things, for free, on your own, that are more beautiful than anything a billion-dollar industry can achieve.

I only dream that I could match that one day.

I wont because I'm a mess. And I'm beyond help. Ive seen over a dozen therapists and they all say the same thing. Many straight up admit they dont know what to tell me. I just cant let go of what is destroying me. Wont let go. Would rather die.

One day ill die, likely from killing myself. When that happens, the pittance that is my life savings will go to HLP. You guys are the only beauty in my life. I wish I could join you. To create like you. But I just refuse to let go of my impossible demons..

See you in the verse.

Have you tried changing your diet? I've heard that carnivore diets have been effective for treating depression.
Stuff

 

Offline DefCynodont119

  • 27
  • Incorrect, Gorgonopsids did not wear sunglasses.
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Fighting your demons is hard but always worth doing, trust me on that.
I have seen firsthand what depression can do to people, having someone to talk to is extremely important.

There are plenty of folks here you can talk to, also here is a basic Freespace modding course by Bigchunk1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csseKT3eiaE&list=PL6UAAcjEObko4wCCRmrngHFkywLDDO6o3



EDIT: have they checked your thyroid gland? or has that been ruled out?
« Last Edit: July 11, 2018, 01:24:43 am by DefCynodont119 »
My gift from Freespace to Cities Skylines:  http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=639891299

 

Offline karajorma

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I've always said that even if you can't mod, you can play-test. The community desperately needs people who love the game and want to play our missions. No special skills are needed.

Good luck fighting your depression.
Karajorma's Freespace FAQ. It's almost like asking me yourself.

[ Diaspora ] - [ Seeds Of Rebellion ] - [ Mind Games ]

 

Offline Concededarc

  • 2-∞ - User does not compute
Let me also say from experience with depression that no one is beyond help. I had to try many many different things before I finally found something that worked and helped, and some people's advice didn't help. But as tough as things can be there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it. If you would like feel free to PM me and we can talk, and as a fellow HLP member I am here for you.

I'm beyond help because I choose to not be helped. The truth is, some of us want to be this way. We'd rather cling to our idiotic, illogical fantasies, and embrace a life of neromasochisn and agony. I'll willingly die before I change for the "better" it's a choice I am making, therapy has helped me realize that. Therapy is to help you realize what's wrong with you, not convince you to help yourself. I choose to not help myself. So I am beyond help because I do not see anything I am given as helpful. 

But thank you. It's nice to at least have compassion.


EDIT: have they checked your thyroid gland? or has that been ruled out?

I'm depressing myself with the choices I make. The cause is entirely conscious. I refuse to allow myself to be happy and I will not allow any alternative to compromise my principles.

I've always said that even if you can't mod, you can play-test. The community desperately needs people who love the game and want to play our missions. No special skills are needed.

Thanks. but I don't have the time or the energy anymore to even play this game, let alone mod it.

I've actually been FREDing for years now among other creative things. I've started dozens of projects but never finished any, and have only gotten 1 of them off the ground that I have since abandoned years ago. It just doesnt matter to me anymore.

Thank you guys for everything. You're so special.

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

  • HLP is my mistress
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Any service history?

 

Offline Concededarc

  • 2-∞ - User does not compute
What, like military? No...why?

 

Offline Colonol Dekker

  • HLP is my mistress
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It's present in most vets in one way or another.   Myself included, thought I'd probe as it helps to talk to someone who's been there but I'm not going to flog a dead horse.

You know your own limits better than anyone.  If you're giving up then you have my sympathy.

 

Offline Concededarc

  • 2-∞ - User does not compute
Thank you anyway Dekker. You're a good guy.

 

Offline 0rph3u5

  • 211
  • Reality is the finest flesh...
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You've created things, for free, on your own, that are more beautiful than anything a billion-dollar industry can achieve.

I only dream that I could match that one day.

I wont because I'm a mess

I've actually been FREDing for years now among other creative things. I've started dozens of projects but never finished any, and have only gotten 1 of them off the ground that I have since abandoned years ago. It just doesnt matter to me anymore.

I've been in a similar "place" like you years ago ... and I am still very much on a road of personal depression... I just resolved to no longer let the destination matter much.
So please allow me to give you a single piece of advice for the road:

Please do not think that any of your problems should hold you back from exercising your talents of creation (anymore).

For example, to build an effigy to your "mess" might not have an audience beyond the one, but you should not stop yourself from it. It will not be grant or momentous, or even complete for that matter, but it will be ... an exercise of sorts.
"When you work with water, you have to know and respect it. When you labour to subdue it, you have to understand that one day it may rise up and turn all your labours into nothing. For what is water, which seeks to make all things level, which has no taste or colour of its own, but a liquid form of Nothing?" - Graham Swift, Waterland

"...because they are not Dragons."

  

Offline Concededarc

  • 2-∞ - User does not compute
Thank you.
Please do not think that any of your problems should hold you back from exercising your talents of creation (anymore).

For example, to build an effigy to your "mess" might not have an audience beyond the one, but you should not stop yourself from it. It will not be grant or momentous, or even complete for that matter, but it will be ... an exercise of sorts.

I don't have the motivation nor the interest for that. The thing is that the act of creation itself has never had any inherent meaning or joy to me. I was never the kind of person that liked to play with building blocks, sketch/doodle, or do creative excersizes. Whenever I have tried to create, it's always been instead like a chore to me, an act of deflating myself of inspiration, before it overwhelmed me with restlessness. The closest thing to enjoyment I've ever had is the act of being inspired itself, and I would either act on that inspiration to create or let it fizzle away with daydreaming. 

I only ever created because of a dream that my creations would in themselves inspire me, and I could one day live off of that in a perpetual cycle forever. My dream is to live in inspiration, not necessarily to create.   

Now, inspiration itself is nearly nonexistent in my life. I've tried time and time again to just force myself to write some **** down on paper or play around in a toolkit like FRED, but then I just feel disgusted with myself, because if I end up creating something, it's not even mine, since I don't even care about it. And then I feel pissed because I'm basically giving myself homework for no reason at all.

 

Offline Nightmare

  • 210
Just an idea, but have you thought about using a dictation machine? Because what you said above is almost exactly what happens to me - I keep thinking about cool things for hours and hours, but when I'm typing on a computer I have to rework stuff over and over again. Not because the original idea in my head turned out to be bad - even the words seemed well chosen to me whenever I'm able to remember them - but because what I typed down was simply not the same for some reason. And yeah I usually spend more time thinking about how awesome something could be instead of working on it. :( That's why I try now to keep the way between my head and the computer as short as possible (though I don't use a dictation machine myself).

Bugging FRED (or FS in general) to do something the way you want it takes patience, and can be frustraiting - for example I've spend hours testing until I figured out that FSO still only supports 8 bit PCX files for nebula backgrounds, what was incredible annoying. It's something you either willing to do, or not; it's a hobby after all and supposed to be fun. :)

 

Offline Concededarc

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That's a neat idea. I could have used it back when I had inspiration. But the problem is thst now I barely get inspiration, and when I do, I won't take it seriously. In the end it's just make believe, lies, smoke and mirrors. And as soon as my ideas become rendered in reality, they lose all their appeal to me, and then I feel uncomfortable even thinking of them again. 

Sometimes the very act of attempting to render something outside of my mind spoils the experience for me. I don't want my ideas to come to this world; I want to go to the world where my ideas come from.
But that world isn't even real.

 
That's a neat idea. I could have used it back when I had inspiration. But the problem is thst now I barely get inspiration, and when I do, I won't take it seriously. In the end it's just make believe, lies, smoke and mirrors. And as soon as my ideas become rendered in reality, they lose all their appeal to me, and then I feel uncomfortable even thinking of them again. 

Sometimes the very act of attempting to render something outside of my mind spoils the experience for me. I don't want my ideas to come to this world; I want to go to the world where my ideas come from.
But that world isn't even real.

You should learn how to do lucid dreaming then.
Shivans view most other species the way we view infectious diseases. They think they are doing good by curing the universe of them. After all, no one mourns the fate of smallpox.

The Final War For The Multiverse

 

Offline Concededarc

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Funny, as a kid I actually had semi-lucid dreams. It wasn't that great, I couldn't be creative enough in them without over-exerting myself and waking up.

True lucid dreaming isn't a thing though right? I always thought that was a myth.

But anyway, I don't want that. I may crave inspiration, but I also hate being fooled. Dreams aren't real, and I don't want to be fooled into thinking I'm being inspired by something that isn't real.