chain of support thus far (with response time):
Me: detailed description of problem, steps taken so far on my own to try to fix it, clear statement that i had read and followed all troubleshooting steps provided on the website
UBI (2 days): copy-paste of troubleshooting section of support site. complete with uninserted [insert here] tags.
Me: read what the hell i'm writing and stop wasting both our times. i told you ALL of this already. i did this so as to avoid this pointless first round of messages. now what, if anything, can you ACTUALLY do to solve this? continue to waste my time and there's no chance i'm giving you $30 for a replacement.
UBI (1 week): Sorry. We were just being "thorough" by doing no thinking at all. send us dxdiag and msinfo files. (copy-paste instructions that don't even match the actual submission process)
Me: files. no words.
UBI (2 days): copy-paste of another troubleshooting step. the one i went into the MOST detail about performing in my original statement.

i haven't the will to formulate a response to that yet. open to input.