Here's where things fall apart. I'm a really bad texture artist.

I've put up a screenie showing a quick mockup of what a texture may look like. Yes, I know there's pretty much no detail to it. I've fully UV-unwrapped everything so it's perfectly ready to BE textured... I just don't think I'm the man to do it. It really hurts to say that.
You'll have to forgive the dark spots, I didn't adjust the Max lighting.
If anyone else wants a crack at texturing it, they have little work to do. All the relevant polygons have been flattened, which took me pretty much all day.
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