Poll

Have you ever made your own  joke?

Yes
12 (75%)
No
4 (25%)

Total Members Voted: 16

Voting closed: July 04, 2003, 05:47:09 am

Author Topic: A thread of jokes. Have fun!  (Read 3849 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Nico

  • Venom
    Parlez-vous Model Magician?
  • 212
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Quote
Originally posted by Petrarch of the VBB


Why doesn't MS build cars?
People don't want air bags that ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.


that's a part of the list the boss from General Motors used as an answer to Bill Gates's declaration that if the car controls had evolved as fast as the computer OS, they would drive on their own and stuff.
SCREW CANON!

  

Offline Stunaep

  • Thread Necrotech.... we bring the dead to life!
  • 210
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Gorbachev and Reagan argue whose country is more liberal: USA or USSR.

Reagan sais: A man can yell "Reagan is a moron" in front of the White House, and nothing will happen to him!

Gorbachev responds: Big deal! A man can yell "Reagan is a moron" in front of Kreml as well, nothing will happen to him either!
"Post-counts are like digital penises. That's why I don't like Shrike playing with mine." - an0n
Bah. You're an admin, you've had practice at this spanking business. - Odyssey

 

Offline Stunaep

  • Thread Necrotech.... we bring the dead to life!
  • 210
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
In late 1988 a man with a submachine gun runs into a Politbureau commitee congress in Kreml and yells: "Which one of you is Boris Yeltsin?"

Everyone points to a man in the front row.

The man loads his machine gun and yells: "Borya, keep low!"
"Post-counts are like digital penises. That's why I don't like Shrike playing with mine." - an0n
Bah. You're an admin, you've had practice at this spanking business. - Odyssey

 

Offline Stunaep

  • Thread Necrotech.... we bring the dead to life!
  • 210
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
In the 1950 a husband and wife step into a trolleybus in Moscow. For 15 minutes they ride quietly, then the man sighs.

The wife sais: "Now, Vitya, haven't I told you to never speak about politics in public!"
"Post-counts are like digital penises. That's why I don't like Shrike playing with mine." - an0n
Bah. You're an admin, you've had practice at this spanking business. - Odyssey

 

Offline Petrarch of the VBB

  • Koala-monkey
  • 211
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Here's one from Spike Milligan's war memoirs.

"Bury me up a tree."
"Why?"
"I want people to look up to me when I'm gone."

 

Offline diamondgeezer

A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Never before has any thread pushed me this close to the brink of scuicide

 

Offline Unknown Target

  • Get off my lawn!
  • 212
  • Push.Pull?
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
I'm a situational comedy guy. I make jokes based on the situation. But here's a good one I got from somewhere else:

A boss calls one of his esteemed workers into his office. The Boss says to the employee, that, if he marries his daughter, he'll give him a 100,000 dollar salary. But there's a catch, the daughter is incredibly ugly, and incredibly stupid. So ugly and stupid, in fact, that the guy turns down the offer.

The boss, dismayed, says that he'll give him a 500,000 dollar salary, and his own estate. The guy thinks a little, and says that he'll do it. What the heck, he thinks, I could always just put a bag over her head when we have sex..


They are married, and months go bye. So, the guy was standing up on a ladder, and repairing a board on the cieling. He asks the wife to go get a box of nails. The wife trots off, muttering "Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She brings him the nails, and the man asks her to go get the hammer. She runs off, muttering "Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer". She brings it to him, and the guy starts to hammer away, until he hits his finger with the hammer. "****!!!" he yells, and the wife turns away, mutering "Get the bag, get the bag, get the bag."

:D

 

Offline Unknown Target

  • Get off my lawn!
  • 212
  • Push.Pull?
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Oh, here's another one:

A lawyer, a Priest, and an enginee are all sitting at a bar, and arguing over which was the oldest proffesion.

The engineer goes: "Well, engineering is obviously the oldest, because the Earth was created out of nothingness, and God needed enginering to make it."

The Priest says: "Ah, but God was there first, and he had to right the chaos, in order to create the Earth. So religion is the oldest proffesion."

The lawyer smiles smugly and says: "Ahhhh....but who do you think CREATED the chaos?"

 

Offline Martinus

  • Aka Maeglamor
  • 210
    • Hard Light Productions
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
[color=66ff00]Three guys go to hell.
The devil proclaims amidst much wailing and suffering that he will castrate the men according to their profession. The first guy steps up and the devil asks him "what is your profession?" the guy replies "I'm a fireman". The devil swiftly pulls an extremely rusty axe from thin air and lops off the guy's bits.
The second guy steps up shaking, again the devil asks "what is your profession?" the guy replies "I'm a scientist", satan magics up a lazer and blasts the guy in the crotch.
The last guy is rolling in the corner, tears in his eyes, holding his sides as he laughs uncontrollably. Satan asks him, "have you not seen the suffering I unleash? I will ensure your punishment is meticulously carried out". This drives the guy over the edge, inbetween gasps for air the devil makes out:

"I'm an icecream vendor, you're going to have to lick mine off".
[/color]

 

Offline Turnsky

  • FOXFIRE Artisté
  • 211
  • huh?.. Who?.. hey you kids, git off me lawn!
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
:lol:

that's a good one maeg..
   //Warning\\
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
do not torment the sleep deprived artist, he may be vicious when cornered,
in case of emergency, administer caffeine to the artist,
he will become docile after that,
and less likely to stab you in the eye with a mechanical pencil
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Offline Shrike

  • Postadmin
  • 211
    • http://www.3dap.com/hlp
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Quote
Originally posted by diamondgeezer
Never before has any thread pushed me this close to the brink of scuicide
Indeed.  Most of these are doubleplus ungood.
WE ARE HARD LIGHT PRODUCTIONS. YOU WILL LOWER YOUR FIREWALLS AND SURRENDER YOUR KEYBOARDS. WE WILL ADD YOUR INTELLECTUAL AND VERNACULAR DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. YOUR FORUMS WILL ADAPT TO SERVICE US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

 

Offline Flaser

  • 210
  • man/fish warsie
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
How many communists do you need to change a light-bulb?
...
All of them!
One holds the bulb, while the rest spins the world around.
"I was going to become a speed dealer. If one stupid fairytale turns out to be total nonsense, what does the young man do? If you answered, “Wake up and face reality,” you don’t remember what it was like being a young man. You just go to the next entry in the catalogue of lies you can use to destroy your life." - John Dolan

 
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
How do you show your wife your planning for the future?


Buy 2 crates of beer instead of 1.

"Your cynicism appauls me Collosus - I have ten thousand officers and crew willing to die for pants !"

"Go to red alert!"
"Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb"

 

Offline TopAce

  • Stalwart contributor
  • 212
  • FREDder, FSWiki editor, and tester
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Sir, do you need a pocket calculator?
No, thank you, I know how many pockets I have.


Here comes a bandit!
Grab his spine and bend it!

My personality is as strong as it could make 150 push-ups.
This washing powder is as intelligent as it could make my maths homework.
My community contributions - Get my campaigns from here.

I already announced my retirement twice, yet here I am. If I bring up that topic again, don't believe a word.

 

Offline LtNarol

  • Biased Banshee
  • 211
    • http://www.3dap.com/hlp/hosted/the158th
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Quote
Originally posted by Shrike
...doubleplus ungood.
EVIL! EVIL! KILL! 1984!

I'm ok, really :p

 

Offline diamondgeezer

A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Quote
Originally posted by TopAce
My personality is as strong as it could make 150 push-ups.
This washing powder is as intelligent as it could make my maths homework.

I hate to bump this most hateful of threads, but what in the fuck are you saying?


 

Offline Tiara

  • Mrs. T, foo'!
  • 210
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Well, answer this:

Whats the difference between a teabag and a tampon?
I AM GOD! AND I SHALL SMITE THEE!



...because I can :drevil:

 
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Quote
Originally posted by Tiara
Well, answer this:

Whats the difference between a teabag and a tampon?


huh?

Spoiler:

i know, if i don't know you don't want the tea i am offering you


what's the difference between a sink and a toilet?
just another newbie without any modding, FREDding or real programming experience

you haven't learned masochism until you've tried to read a Microsoft help file.  -- Goober5000
I've got 2 drug-addict syblings and one alcoholic whore. And I'm a ****ing sociopath --an0n
You cannot defeat Windows through strength alone. Only patience, a lot of good luck, and a sledgehammer will do the job. --StratComm

 

Offline TopAce

  • Stalwart contributor
  • 212
  • FREDder, FSWiki editor, and tester
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Quote
Originally posted by kasperl
what's the difference between a sink and a toilet?


The toilet is not in the kitchen :)  And it is recommended to isolate it from the other sides of the house.
My community contributions - Get my campaigns from here.

I already announced my retirement twice, yet here I am. If I bring up that topic again, don't believe a word.

 
A thread of jokes. Have fun!
Whats a mixed emotion?

...watching your brand new car being reversed off a cliff by your mother in law.

"Your cynicism appauls me Collosus - I have ten thousand officers and crew willing to die for pants !"

"Go to red alert!"
"Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb"