Let's add on to the wonderful emotional theme we've got going here
I'm going to start this off with I shouldn't be around here, least that was the plan. However, I had found myself helping someone out and instead stuck around to see her through her troubles. She lived in the States, I in Canada. As things progressed, we became extremely close, very close. Months later, we both realized that feelings for eachother had reached a peak, the problem with that being location and some other factors I can't get into.
So emotionally, that was difficult as all hell. Requited love that wasn't to be realized. Got myself back into a bad place trying to deal with those emotions since it was all new ground and I was already not in the right frame of mind. Didn't help at the time she was looking for someone of her own, while keeping me close, best friend and all.
Moving forward several months to now, I'm heading down there to see her as well as a few other people (planned long before current BF). Currently on a diet of SSRIs which have thrown me for a loop the past week, while problems with her boyfriend threw me in for another.
At that point, I made the mistake of having hope, which was later crushed since they managed to fix the situation (both glad, yet not really, conflict of interest and all that)
It's difficult and hard as hell (I'm not alone in that regards, but she has the benefit of having someone else, I don't) and I know that it will still be an unrealized love, unfortunately she essentially saved my life so the feelings are so deeply ingrained into my heart and brain it's impossible to just forget about them. They won't fade either, thought they did at one point but turns out they really didn't.
So sure, plenty of fish in the sea, etc, you could say that. Problem is that because of my condition, I'm inherently a bad choice for a relationship so I choose not to go around looking for that reason. Add on the fact I love my best friend and will always? As far as I'll ever know, she's #1 in my books, no one could even come close for a whole slew of reasons. That naturally leaves me in a bad position to accept anyone new like that into my life since they'll always just be #2 no matter how hard I try.
Basically, where something great happens, there's always an equal amount of not so great to go with it. That's how my life works which is why I generally aim for having things just happen. Where there isn't presence of good, there won't be presence of bad. Where there isn't hope, there isn't disappointment.
She has a way of getting me to want to get better, but again, my getting better for her is conflicted with the thought that despite all this, mutual feelings, the history, it won't be.
Gah
This isn't exactly the best way to look for help, but I could use the objective/blunt/whatever opinions/thoughts/advice from strangers
I don't expect anything from her, much like I don't expect to live happily. I'll live though. I just need to figure out how to cope with the pain this causes inside
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