Author Topic: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!  (Read 57989 times)

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Offline NGTM-1R

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HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Yes, you. You can sign up, unless you're a currently supposed to be a moderator or admin, in which case you've been conscripted. Hey, you wanted to defend order and righteousness in the world on the forums, you get to actually do it.

BEHOLD, THE HLP UNDERGROUND FORTRESS...AREA 51.


As you can see it's not quite in the right place.


Our brave forum administration and moderation has been "volunteered" to serve as the first batch of soldiers in the war upon the Shivan Sectoid menace. They've also all been demoted to Rookie, despite the fact I was pretty sure that some of them have long since earned a Squaddie title by now. The paper-pushers told me that "It's complicated" and somehow involves being moved into a paid position.


What's that you say, some of them are missing? Well this is true. I have assigned some of them to other tasks. Dekker and Nuke, for example, have been drafted to fly our two Interceptors. Darius, because we all like him and his moderated area is probably run the best, has been given the only safe combat job in the game and will fly the Skyranger, while Spoon will get to take out all the frustration he's built up dealing with lunatics trying to devise ways to rape Dawn and Misuzu by blowing things up with our tank.

All the inactive moderators and anyone I've forgotten are currently locked in the science lab. It is up to Rev_Posix, as our least-recognizable admin on the forums, to decide whether they are more useful as scientists or test subjects. I don't expect we'll find out what his decision was until the activities of the science division are declassified thirty years from now and General Battuta writes the Official History of HLPX-COM, assuming Battuta isn't killed by then. Rest assured, even then you probably won't want to know.

Incidentally I hear we just detected our first UFO. Interceptor 1, with Dekker at the controls, was launched in expectation of an easy victory. As he closed to within a hundred kilometers the Skyranger was also launched to clean up the inevitable crashed alien spacecraft. Somewhere over Pennsylvania our Interceptor and the alien craft meet, but apparently recitations of Dekker's sexual prowess in the WHIYL thread have frightened the aliens! The UFO fled just before Dekker closed to effective weapons range and did not slow down enough to allow the pursuing Interceptor to engage again.

Dekker chased it all the way from the Great Lakes to Cuba, where it managed to land before he could shoot it down. He is now flying CAP over its landed position while the Skyranger closes in to deliver our scared ****less brave soldiers.


TUNE IN SOMETIME LATER TONIGHT FOR THE EXCITING FIRST MISSION OF HLPX-COM!
"Load sabot. Target Zaku, direct front!"

A Feddie Story

 

Offline General Battuta

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Quote
assuming Battuta isn't killed by then

i think we both know the answer to that

i hope you last long enough for the laser cannon black market to start ticking along

 

Offline Spoon

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Woohoo! Tanks! \o/
Urutorahappī!!

[02:42] <@Axem> spoon somethings wrong
[02:42] <@Axem> critically wrong
[02:42] <@Axem> im happy with these missions now
[02:44] <@Axem> well
[02:44] <@Axem> with 2 of them

 

Offline Axem

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
All I request, is a funny one-liner when I die.

 

Offline redsniper

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Sign me up.




Also,

Darius, because we all like him and his moderated area is probably run the best, has been given the only safe combat job in the game and will fly the Skyranger

Implying it's safe to fly the Skyranger.
"Think about nice things not unhappy things.
The future makes happy, if you make it yourself.
No war; think about happy things."   -WouterSmitssm

HARD LIGHT PRODUCTIONS:
"...this conversation is pointlessly confrontational."

 

Offline CommanderDJ

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Hell, I'll sign up once you eventually need cannon fodder. Looking forward to how this turns out.
[16:57] <CommanderDJ> What prompted the decision to split WiH into acts?
[16:58] <battuta> it was long, we wanted to release something
[16:58] <battuta> it felt good to have a target to hit
[17:00] <RangerKarl> not sure if talking about strike mission, or jerking off
[17:00] <CommanderDJ> WUT
[17:00] <CommanderDJ> hahahahaha
[17:00] <battuta> hahahaha
[17:00] <RangerKarl> same thing really, if you think about it

 

Offline Mongoose

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
man I am going to derp your team up so hard

 
Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
I volunteer for various soldiering duties that involve killing alien scum and/or dying as a redshirt to establish that these alien scum are in fact, serious threats in this story arc.
17:37:02   Quanto: I want to have sexual intercourse with every space elf in existence
17:37:11   SpardaSon21: even the males?
17:37:22   Quanto: its not gay if its an elf

[21:51] <@Droid803> I now realize
[21:51] <@Droid803> this will be SLIIIIIGHTLY awkward
[21:51] <@Droid803> as this rich psychic girl will now be tsundere for a loli.
[21:51] <@Droid803> OH WELLL.

See what you're missing in #WoD and #Fsquest?

[07:57:32] <Caiaphas> inspired by HerraTohtori i built a supermaneuverable plane in ksp
[07:57:43] <Caiaphas> i just killed my pilots with a high-g maneuver
[07:58:19] <Caiaphas> apparently people can't take 20 gees for 5 continuous seconds
[08:00:11] <Caiaphas> the plane however performed admirably, and only crashed because it no longer had any guidance systems

 

Offline Polpolion

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
My life for FRED Discussion!  :arrr:

 

Offline NGTM-1R

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Having brought the Skyranger in for a landing close to the UFO, Darius drops the back ramp, while Karaj and a surprisingly feminine Goober undo the tiedowns on Spoon's tank and throw them off. Yes, we have to tie the tank down in flight, it's kinda huge and the Skyranger is currently tightly packed with ten troopers and one standard-model remote-control tank. Having that thing banging around in flight might be as dangerous as an actual mission.


Actually, Darius has set us down REALLY close to the UFO. He will be congratulated or chastised as required by the mission results.


Spoon gets the tank to cover behind the bulk of the UFO after having used it to check all flanks. Next to exit the Skyranger is Goober, but aliens do not take well to his long flowing blond hair and fire two shots at him as he kneels on the ramp to open fire. Both impact the Skyranger rather than Goob, upsetting Darius and proving that Redsniper is in fact prophetic. You should all demand his opinions on the plot of the sequel to War In Heaven while this is still the case.


Goob in turn apparently cannot draw a line of fire to the aliens despite their being able to so to him, so this is going to suck and he tries to move to cover. Karaj for some reason also cannot draw a line of fire from lower down the ramp, so he's moved into the area near the UFO also.


Sorry guys, I'm pretty sure it's plasma hell for the both of you already and we haven't even done one turn. Everyone else is moved up to disembark, and I note now that by some strange and terrible mistake, Mjn.maxel has been armed with a pistol rather than the heavy weapon he was supposed to have, as you can see above.

ENDING THE FIRST TURN!

Proving that I am a terrible prophet, Goob and Karaj are still alive, and weren't even shot at. Almost all alien movement was hidden.

With a mighty and surprisingly girlish roar, Goober fires the first shots taken by an HLPX-COM agent outside of training! He then remembers he didn't actually get any training, and misses with a three round burst at about fifty feet. The alien spins around and returns fire, but misses both Goober and both sets of the Skyranger's landing gear. Goober's hate for us is far hotter than any plasma fire the aliens may direct at him, and so he fires again. Two good hits!


He shoots pretty well for a guy I pronounced dead.

Karaj, Zacam, Goober, and Polpolion prepare to assault the UFO, where at least one hostile is known to be, while the heavy weapons and remaining rifles debark. Spoon drives the tank forward, searching for hostiles, and finds one. But no one else is in a position to engage, and Karaj, the nearest person, actually has his back turned because he's getting read to enter the UFO. Spoon tries to fire, but the gun jams! (Or he didn't have enough TUs left to turn the turret, either way.) He bravely pushes forward to draw the alien's fire.

It works.


The tank is made of sterner stuff than the alien anticipated and he runs off.


It is reported that Zacam's final words were "OH ****". He valiantly engages the aliens, killing one, but is killed by return fire from the other two. Karaj steps forward with a grenade primed to toss it in and spare further causalities, but he gets shot as well...dropping his primed grenade, and forcing Goob and Polpolion to duck back behind the UFO before it can go off. The grenade, incidentally, incinerates Zacam's body. This is going to be difficult to explain to his family.

The other alien ducks out of cover again and fires at Spoon's tank, but misses low and short by about ten feet. Spoon returns fire, striking the alien, who turns to flee. Before it can make it to cover again Spoon fires once more at the fleeing alien.


The cowardly creature takes the second round between the shoulderblades and topples forward, messily slain. At this point Spoon is far and away the best tank driver I've ever seen in an X-Com game, having taken not one, but two reaction shots in the same turn. And hit with both.

It's time to take that damn UFO. Goober comes through the door and confronts an alien at point-blank range. Showing questionable target preferences, or simply trying to exploit the inaccuracy of the X-Com Rifle and the autoshot mechanics to hopefully kill both, he targets the more distant alien first. All three rounds leave the barrel and the first two strike home, killing the alien. The other passes through the space the further alien occupied.


Strangely, the first alien does not fire at Goob during this, despite being close enough to touch, so Goober turns his weapon on that alien as well, demonstrating the futility of resisting the administration.

Polpolion sweeps around the strange device in the center of the UFO, looking for other enemies, but there are none. Darius reports from the Skyranger that there is no further contact on the infrared or motion sensors. The mission is over.


THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THIS MISSION:
Being first through the door on a small UFO assault kills you.
Spoon is awesome with a tank.
Goober, despite being portrayed as a female by the game, is apparently pretty badass.
"Load sabot. Target Zaku, direct front!"

A Feddie Story

 

Offline TrashMan

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Sign me up. Heavy wepnz. The bigger and more rapid fireing, the better. Also with a hiar trigger.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2012, 03:55:58 am by TrashMan »
Nobody dies as a virgin - the life ****s us all!

You're a wrongularity from which no right can escape!

 

Offline Flipside

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
I'm just about fit to be a test-subject in the lab, I actually woke up with a twinge in my knee this morning, ah.. the year before my forties :/

  

Offline Col. Fishguts

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Bravo good sir, bravo :yes:

Sign me up, when you need more cannonfodder.
"I don't think that people accept the fact that life doesn't make sense. I think it makes people terribly uncomfortable. It seems like religion and myth were invented against that, trying to make sense out of it." - D. Lynch

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Offline headdie

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
I call dibs on the lucky SOB
Minister of Interstellar Affairs Sol Union - Retired
quote General Battuta - "FRED is canon!"
Contact me at [email protected]
My Release Thread, Old Release Thread, Celestial Objects Thread, My rubbish attempts at art

 

Offline Darius

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Cool. I can wear aviator glasses and say things like "We're in the pipe, 5 by 5. Where's the damn beacon? Oh I see it."

 

Offline Mefustae

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Cool. I can wear aviator glasses and say things like "We're in the pipe, 5 by 5. Where's the damn beacon? Oh I see it."

Hooray! They we can both get mauled by a horrible alien, and generally ruin everything for everyone else by crashing spectacularly!

All in all; a rich, full day. :)

 
Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Here to enlist to serve my planet, sir!  :lol: Guess you always need for redshirts.
Sig nuked! New one coming soon!

 

Offline jr2

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
You can put me down for a spot making useless suggestions to the coders assault team from the back of the forums Skyranger.

...Oh, wait.  That would mean I don't do anything, right?  Well, rather than submitting to Rev_Posix's tender mercies, gimme a rifle.  Got any M-16A4s with the ACOG scope?  If not, iron sights will do.  No three-round burst for me, just single-shot: two in the chest, one in the head.

OK, enough of the bravado drivel.  :nervous: :lol: Put me where you want when you need more bodies. :nod:

 

Offline Spoon

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Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
I was greatly amused that while I was reading this, the song ghost division came up on my place list. Exactly as I read this line
Quote
The cowardly creature takes the second round between the shoulderblades and topples forward, messily slain. At this point Spoon is far and away the best tank driver I've ever seen in an X-Com game, having taken not one, but two reaction shots in the same turn. And hit with both.
the song started going
"They are the Panzer Elite, Born to compete, Never retreat"

Hell yeah mother****er  :yes:

Let us drink a toast in celebration to our first victory
Urutorahappī!!

[02:42] <@Axem> spoon somethings wrong
[02:42] <@Axem> critically wrong
[02:42] <@Axem> im happy with these missions now
[02:44] <@Axem> well
[02:44] <@Axem> with 2 of them

 

Offline Darius

  • 211
Re: HLPX-COM: You're All Dying For Your Planet, Right Here!
Oh, next time keep the fire away from the 'Ranger people, unless you all want to walk home. That's what the tank's for!