[Knight Templar]

We've had an ugly mug, hottest women, hottest woman II, and nameless other threads... how bout a post your religon thread?

[diamondgeezer]

Do it... if you're feeling brave... :devil:

[phreak]

this thread needs more carlin quotes

[Knight Templar]

this thread needs more carlin quotes

Amen

*points*  <-- See location

:thepimp:

[Knight Templar]

You knwo what you never see enough of on Television? A good parachute accident. It's kinda fun.

If you live long enough, everyone you know has cancer

Never forget, Hitler was Catholic.

The Jews are smart. They don't have hell.

Godbless the homocidal maniac. They make life worthwhile.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected

Next time a prostitute solicets your bussiness, ask for the clergymens rate

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce it on tv?

If its true we are alone in the universe, i'd have to say the universe aimed very low and settled for very little.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

"I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons.  First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun.  It's there for me every day.  And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time:  heat, light, food, a lovely day.  There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry.  And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate."

When it comes to BULL****...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULL****... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of  false promises and exaggerated claims, religion

"I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is ****ED-UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of **** you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago."

"Religion easily has the greatest bull**** story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever ´til the end of time...but he loves you."

I would type his conversation with jesus, but that takes some time.

[Knight Templar]

aww here it is.

enjoy.

____________________________________________



Interviewer: Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re privileged to have with us a man known around the world as Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ.


Jesus: That’s me.


I: How are you Jesus?


J: Fine, thanks, and let me say it’s great to be back.


I: Why, after all this time, have you come back?


J: Mostly nostalgia.


I: Can you tell us a little bit about the first time you were here?


J: Well, there’s not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas. And actually, that always bothered me, because I only got one present. You know, if I was born a couple of months earlier I would’ve got two presents. But look, I’m not complaining. After all, it’s only material goods.


I: There’s a story that there were three wise men.


J: Well, there were three kings who showed up. I don’t know how wise they were. They didn’t look very wise. They said they followed a star. That don’t sound wise to me.


I: Didn’t they bring gifts?


J: Yes. Gold, frankincense, and I believe, myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You don’t happen to know what myrrh is, do you?


I: Well, I believe it’s a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.


J: Oh, great. Just what I need. What am I gonna do with a gum resin? I’d rather have the money, that way I could buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn’t normally buy for myself.


I: What would that be?


J: Oh, I don’t know. A bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. Possibly a bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you realize all the walking I did? I must’ve crossed Canaan six, eight times. Up and down, north and south, walking and talking, doin’ miracles, tellin’ stories.


I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?


J: Well, leaving out the loaves and the fishes, a total of 107 miracles.


I: Why not the loaves and the fishes?


J: Well, technically that one wasn’t a miracle.


I: It wasn’t?


J: No, it turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old. And besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.


I: What do you mean? If they weren’t miracles, what were they?


J: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometime people were hallucinatin’. I even used acupressure. That’s how I cured most of the blind people.


I: So not all of the New Testament is true?


J: Naaah. Some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. IT was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of Drugs. Luke was a physician, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.


I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?


J: First of all, he wasn’t dead, he was hung-over. I’ve told people that.


I: But in the Bible you said he was dead.


J: No! I said he looked dead. I said, “Jeez, Peter, this guy looks dead!” You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had been to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine.


I: Ahhh! Was that the wedding feast at Cana, where you changed the water into wine?


J: I don’t know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts in those days.


I: But did you ever really turn water into wine?


J: Not that I know of. One time I turned apple juice into milk, but I don’t recall the water and wine.


I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on water? Did that really happen?


J: Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was, I could do it, and the other guys couldn’t. They were jealous. Peter got so mad at me he had these special shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walkin’ real fast you could stay on top the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yards, badda-boom, down he goes right into the water. He sinks like a rock. That’s why I called him peter. Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church.


I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?


J: They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of them we had.


I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.


J: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, that’s a different James, Thaddeus. How many is that?


I: That’s ten.


J: Simon, Judas, and Red.


I: Red?


J: Yeah, Red the Apostle.


I: Red the Apostle doesn’t appear in the Bible.


J: Nah, Red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. He was a little strange; he thought the Red Sea was named after him.


I: And what about Judas?


J: Don’t get me started on Judas. A completely unpleasant person, okay?


I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, Thomas, was he really a doubter?


J: Believe me, this guy Thomas, you couldn’t tell him nothin’. He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, “You got any ID?” To this day he doesn’t believe I’m God.


I: And are you God?


J: Well, partly. I’m a member of the Trinity.


I: Yes. In fact, you’re writing a book about the Trinity.


J: That’s right, it’s called Three’s a Crowd.


I: As I understand it, it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.


J: Listen, it’s not an attack, okay? It happens I don’t get along with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. That’s it. What he does is his business.


I: What’s the reason?


J: Well, first of all he’s a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin’ different. One day he’s a dove, another day he’s a tongue of fire. Always foolin’ around. I don’t bother with the guy. I don’t wanna know about him. I don’t wanna see him. I don’t wanna talk to him.


I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a placed called hell?


J: Oh yeah, there’s a hell, all right. There’s also a heck. It’n not as severe as hell, but we’ve got a heck and a hell


I: What about purgatory?


J: No, I don’t know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.


I: What is limbo like?


J: I don’t know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn’t be limbo, it would just be another place.


I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?


J: Well, first of all, if I’da known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, I had a little salad and some veal.


I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.


J: Oh yeah, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But I think more than anything else it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified like that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. I would be a shame to do it for no reason.


I: Were you scared?


J: Oh yea. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure I would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while I was up there I had a really good view; I could actually see my house. There’s always a bright side.


I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.


J: How’s that?


I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn’t you?


J: Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didn’t have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.


I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into Heaven.


J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon that come up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldn’t see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.


I: And what do you think about Christianity today?


J: Well, I’m a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That’s how come he’s laughing.


I: You wouldn’t want to be a Christian?


J: No I wouldn’t want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if it’s me. Buddha’s laughing, meanwhile I’m on the cross.


I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?


J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?


I: Are there really angels?


J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you can’t get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.


I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?


J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, it’s one angle for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.


I: Do you really answer prayers?


J: No. First of all, what with sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them don’t even get through. And between you and me, we just don’t have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like I said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just can’t keep up.


I: Well, I thin we’re about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.


J: Hey, no sweat.


I: Do you have any words of advice?


J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?


I: No, I mean spiritual advice.


J: Well I don’t know how spiritual it is, but I’d say one thing is don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.


I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.


J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.

[CP5670]

alright, that stuff was just hilarious...

[Sesquipedalian]

Originally posted by CP5670
uh...didn't you post this exact same idea and example in that really old religion topic?

Yes...

Also, you are thinking in the traditional sense of strict Newtonian causality; instead, you can have a causal loop in quantum mechanics, so that a maker that is not also made does not need to exist. (so that time is a multiply open ended set)

Actually, I'm thinking in terms of logical causality: neither time nor quantum mechanics nor Newton have anything to do with it.

But to show you what I mean, here's a quick example in the sort of vein you are talking about.  We are familiar with the time travel paradox where I go back in time and assassinate Hilter before he comes to power in Germany. If I succeed I have no reason to go back, so I don't go back, so I don't assassinate him, so I do have a reason to go back, ad infinitum.  The paradox occurs when we forget that, regardless of temporality, there must be a beginning and end to the logical sequence of causation.  So in quantum theory, which is the basis of your objection, an effect may well preceed its cause temporally, but in that process what brings about the cause must be something else.  If it were not so, the situation would never arise in the first place.  You have to distinguish between temporal sequence and logical sequence here, CP5670.

I will post the same thing once again too, so here is the example: This is a true statement. It's pretty much independent of others.

Fine, I'll clarify.  

If, in the relevant sense of explanation, A's truth entails B's truth, A entails B. No non-tautological existential proposition is entailed by a set of propositions that does not contain any non-tautological existential propositions.

Tautologies don't actually tell us anything about the world; they are merely language talking about itself.  2+2=4 doesn't tell me anything about whether there are two oranges on my desk or not.  But when we ask whether something exists, the subject matter is a contingent a posteriori proposition.  
(For the record, the original philosopher did define "existential proposition" for the purposes of his argument as refering to contingent  a posteriori reality and not tautological statements prior to presenting the argument, but I didn't bother to include it.  My bad. )

Besides, for a tautology, it is entailed by a set of propositions which happens to include only one member (itself), so the original statement was technically true.

[Knight Templar]

****e, and I've been told i need a new hobby.


you gotta give credit where credit is due though... the whole "hitler dead in past" thing made for a good set of games.

[Bobboau]

"Could a cardboard box have evolved?"

one day a man was filling a paper sack, then he realised that when he put one bag inside the other they were stronger, so being a better storage container he used two bag rather than just one. after a short while, the greater sucses rate of his duble bags was copied by the other people and soon everyone was useing two bags. with this change thicker walls were found better so one day someone made bags of paper so thick it could stand on it's own, made into the shape of a cube, this new design was found to be so superior to the previus design in holding things that soon everyone was useing them insted then the guy who started this used the same trick with the boxes as he did with the bags, he put one inside the other, and low and behold it was much stronger, meanwhile someone else had found that curved boxed could soport a great weight,as the two new designes encoundered each other they were merged a cerved layer of thick paper was glued in between the two thicker sheets.
and thus cardboard was born.

now this takes the paper baised containers as being sort of a parasitic organism incapable of reproduction on it's own (much like a virus) and it isn't a very good representation of traditional evoultion, but it does fit, with something that is able to be reproduced imperfictly haveing the more sucsesful offspring haveing the larger number of progeny
it's what I like to call capitalistic or directed eveolution, were there is a system were something is guided by some sort of consus effort to be made better, but only those that truely are become sucsesful,
it is what most domesticated animals are a product of
and it is what our specise will soon (by evolutionary standards) be running under (genetic engeneering)

remember kids,
evolution is mother, evolution is father

[HotSnoJ]

Originally posted by Bobboau
"Could a cardboard box have evolved?"

one day a man was filling a paper sack, then he realised that when he put one bag inside the other they were stronger, so being a better storage container he used two bag rather than just one. after a short while, the greater sucses rate of his duble bags was copied by the other people and soon everyone was useing two bags. with this change thicker walls were found better so one day someone made bags of paper so thick it could stand on it's own, made into the shape of a cube, this new design was found to be so superior to the previus design in holding things that soon everyone was useing them insted then the guy who started this used the same trick with the boxes as he did with the bags, he put one inside the other, and low and behold it was much stronger, meanwhile someone else had found that curved boxed could soport a great weight,as the two new designes encoundered each other they were merged a cerved layer of thick paper was glued in between the two thicker sheets.
and thus cardboard was born.
 

Dang it, Bobboau I meant by itself with NO HUMAN INTERVENTION!

To CP: I find it very interensting that you and others try to "prove" God can't exist with math and/or "logical" thinking. But you fail in one very important area. You miss that fact that Christians believe God is all powerful, meaning he can do anything he wants, whenever He wants.

During another debate someone came up with dialog. I can't remember who or what the exact word were, but I can remember the basic idea behind it.

Christian: So what you are saying that there is no God.

Atheist: Yes I am.

Christian: How could you know that? To know that would imply that you know everything. And to know everything would imply that you are a god.

Athiest: Damn!
*Note: this dialog idea came from a christian book I read a while back. I can't remember the name.

[diamondgeezer]

Originally posted by HotSnoJ
To CP: I find it very interensting that you and others try to "prove" God can't exist with math and/or "logical" thinking. But you fail in one very important area. You miss that fact that Christians believe God is all powerful, meaning he can do anything he wants, whenever He wants.

But we (i.e the heathens among us) don't believe that. So how can we be having this debate, when we're talking about completely different things?

I may have said this before, but my house mate is a christian. He claims to have the answer to everything, to every question I might have about the universe. I tried to explain that just saying "because God says" isn't a very good explanation, but he won't have it...

[HotSnoJ]

Originally posted by diamondgeezer


But we (i.e the heathens among us) don't believe that. So how can we be having this debate, when we're talking about completely different things?

So, you can't use that road to try and prove God doesn't exist. My point was not that you need to believe that God exists. My point was you are trying to disprove a fact that, to a Christian, can't be disproved because of their beliefs. eat that.

[diamondgeezer]

So I can't convince you that God doesn't exist because that would contradict your beliefs?

Very clever, Mr SnoJ. I believe you have me flumoxed...

[HotSnoJ]

Yup. I saying you can't prove that God doesn't exist by using his own creation against him.

[diamondgeezer]

OK. But then by your logic, you can't convince me that God does exist, because I don't believe in him.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I believe that we have reached what is technically known as an impasse.

[Bobboau]

on there own cardboard boxes are incapable of reproduction, and thus would be incapable of evovlving, but you see everything evolves, just not always on it's own. without any hosts there would be no viruses, in the same way that if there were no humans in need of desposable storage containers there would be no bags, boxes, or parcels.

if we just left it up to God we wouldn't have vacsens, or antibiotics, or cars, or geneticly improoved food, or indoors plumbing, or any cure for canser, or the computers/massive international network were haveing this argument thru.
name one (good) thing on par with antibiodics that religon of any kind has brought about.
in fact the religus dogma were god is the answer for everything would and has impeeded these things untill recently
and if science was wrong then none of the stuff it has made would be working
were in the Bible does it say God (or the devil) created electricity

and if you don't beleve in evolution then next time you get some bacterial infection and your doctor prescribes an antibiodic I want you to only take it untill you feel better, then quit untill you start feeling sick again, seeing as the bacteria can't evolve to face the chalenge of the medication, you have nothing to fear from them

[diamondgeezer]

Originally posted by Bobboau
...where in the Bible does it say God (or the devil) created electricity...

I'm no expert on these matters, but I'd imagine it was the red dude with the horns that did that particular one..

[Bobboau]

give me a book and verse!
Book and Verse, damnit !!!

[01010]

Hee hee. If we're quoting comedians...

...Bill Hicks

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest ****ing question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a ****ing waffle waitress.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the ****ing effort. There is a difference.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how ****ing scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the ****ing Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big ****ing lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat ****ing families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."