Hey, I just used the newly-fixed search feature on "Carl the Shivan", looking for welcome messages. I think that I got most of them... Sorry if there are some that are the same; I'll try to edit them out later.
Of course, all welcome messages have (or should have had)
<colon>welcome<colon> in them, and "V-gods" should be
<colon><lower-case "v"><colon>
All batteries... target Mister J. Open fire!
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
NEXT
Target locked, fire!!!!
Welcome to the HLPBB. Exits are to your left, right, and anywhere else you can imagine. In case of attack, there is a flamethrower under your seat. However, due to budget cuts, they have been filled with water. Plasma rifles are located in the weapons lockers, which are only openable by admins, V-gods, or a hyper intelligent shade of the color blue. When wandering the corridors, be sure to check out our various locales, such as disco Inferno, the Babylon Project embassy, or the memorial to the GTVA Colossus, the biggest water gun the universe has ever seen. When wandering the ducts, you may stumble upon Carl the shivan. If so, give him your lunch and back away slowly. Maybe you'll live. Thank you and have a pleasant stay.
NEXT
Powering up Photon Beam Cannons. Target Acquired. FIRE!
Welcome to Hard Light Productions. Exits are to your rear. In case of emergency, Flamethrowers can be found under your seats. They're empty though, so you'll have to beat others to death with them.
If, for some strange, as-yet-unknown reason you find yourself crawling through one of the nearby airducts, you are quite possibly going to run into a shivan. Five legs, glowing red eyes. You cant miss 'em. It's probably just Carl, though. Give him whatever food you have on you, and he should leave you alone. If you have none, take comfort in the fact that your death will, at least, be quick (if not painless).
There are Plasma rifles located in the forward storage lockers, however these can only be accessed by an Admin, [V], God, or Hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Be warned that the door to the Command Bridge is guarded by subspatial claymore mines.
The SCP is all that is good. Mention FS3 at your own peril. And have a nice day.
P.S. Crap. Almost made it.
NEXT
Originally posted by Marauder
Yes it is Carl! Now I can't believe you've not gotten the spiel yet!
Drumroll puh-leaase!
Exits are to the rear and left. They have been plastered shut with baguettes and peanut butter, so don’t try to use them. All hallways are monitored by sentry cannons that are equipped with n00b and spam detection systems, so don’t move. Now, don’t breathe. Stay like this for a while.
Under your seat you will find some of Raa’s cookies, Shrike’s dungeon pr0n, an0n’s graffiti, and a soggy newspaper containing news on the events of April 1, 2005; and the forum’s latest highlights, and a flame thrower. We ran out of napalm on January 7, 2001, so you’ll have to bludgeon people to death. Be sure to check out the Source Code Project, “A Journey of the Forgotten” in Hard Light Art, and the HLP Store, well, you’ve already discovered, so max out that credit card for HLP rewards miles, which can get you a trip anywhere from Capella to Gamma Draconis, courtesy of the NTF Air!
If for some dull reason you have avoided the sentries and are stuck wandering through the dank, dark ducts, stay armed to the teeth with lunch. Chances are, you’ll encounter Carl, our local Shivan, so if you do, set down your lunch and slowly step away. Hopefully he’ll leave you alone—he’s usually satisfied with those. On the other hand, if you follow Raa, our Professor Tor’h Coolguy Vasudan, you’ll see him enter a kitchen. Should you wish to peek inside, you’ll see him pull out a box, then a human head. Should he see you, he’ll pull out a machete…
Welcome again to HLP! Have a nice day.
Uhh... he did get the "spiel", on the previous page. But I must admit it wasn't quite as... extensive... as yours... 
NEXT
Gunnery control, target Age and open firel!
Emergency exits are to the left and rear. Open them at your own risk, as there is a giant vaccuum outside this vessel. In case of insurgency or mutany, there are liquid nitrogen guns under your seats, but they're better used as melee weapons because the chambers are filled with napalm. If you encounter a Shivan, don't worry. His name is Carl. Just give him your lunch and slowly back off. Also, do not speak or look directly at a [V] God, because he will most likely send you to Pepsi Prison! You have been warned, enjoy your stay.
NEXT
Sigh...
Not even a welcome banner
AGAIN!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water, so bring your own Napalm or try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts. If you see a large, five-limbed creature that looks really pissed, it’s probably Carl, give him your lunch and he'll hopefully go away. If you see a big desert creature its probably Raa, give him a fish and he might leave your head alone. In the event of an emergency, the n00bs will be the last into the escape pods, if there’s any room left. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin, [V] God, or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't mention the word Freespace followed by the number 3.
NEXT
Acquire Target : KS_Al. Commence Plasma Core Insertion. Beam-Free-All. FIRE!
Welcome to HLP. There are exits to the left and rear. Do not attempt to use them. Under your seat you will find empty beer cans, cookie crumbs, dog eared dungeon Porn mags left by Shrike... oh, and a Flamethrower. Unfortunately, we're out of napalm, so you'll have to bludgeon people to death with them.
In the event of serious conflict, there are plasma rifles in the forward locker, though these can only be opened by an Admin, [V], God, or Hyperintelligent shade of the colour Blue. If, for whatever reason, you find yourself crawling around in the ductwork, there's a better than average chance you'll encounter a Shivan. They're easy to spot with the five legs and all. If you're lucky, it's just Carl, who responds well to food rewards. If not, then at least you die quickly. Be aware that the entrance to the main control room is guarded by subspatial claymore mines.
If you type "you", and it comes out "we", or you see russian letters, blame the admins. April Fools comes only once a year, but they make it last a long time.
Have a nice day.
NEXT
Beam cannons target meisdavidp - gunnery control, open fire!
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions Facility. Current topside temperature is 3999 degrees kelvin, with current indoor temperatures at the warm side of 26 degrees. Currently inbound to TBP forums. In case of an emergency, please allow disabled and elderly passengers to evacuate first, regardless if you have reached a train station or not. In case of massive alien attack or other such emergencies, please do not hesitate to use the flamethrowers underneath your seat. But as budget cuts mean we have no napalm, they are currently filled with refreshingly cool water, so at least you won't die of thirst. Plasma rifles are available in the lockers up front, but they can only be opened by , an admin or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue. Please do not mention the demon's name three times (his name is Derek smart) or you risk bringing him forth to once again lay our lands to waste. Do not mention the sequel that shall never happen, for it invokes even worse demons and responses.
Welcome to HLP, we hope that you have a safe, and productive day 
NEXT
Nice first post
And now, the revered "Blitzerland's Welcome Speech:"
Beware of Tabbies in the bushes, if you smell petrol, it tis probably just the old Apollo stuck in the furnace. If you smell fire, tis just some poor sap getting the crap flamed out of him. Feel welcome to try out the motion sensor-equiped-minibar...you'll be charged three hundred dollars every time you get within ten feet of it.
The Library was infested with Shivans back in '99, the roof leaks, the floor creaks, the garden is infested with man-eating garden snails, the cats have taken the observatory...so, that explains the assault rifle under your chair.
But don't think about using it. We ran out of ammo back in '01. Neverless, you'll never feel more welcome anywhere else. Yes, our staff is availble 24/7 to tend to your every need. But avoid the Shivans in the air ducts.
Enjoy your stay, but don't even think about leaving. You won't be able to. Freespace will not let you leave. Muahahahahahahaha...
So...welcome! Stay as long as you can!
NEXT
Welcome to HLPBB! The exits are to the rear and left in case of emergency and shotguns are located under your seats. Flamethrowers are available in the lobby for all flaming occassions. Please be sure to stop by our Sandvich Bar and enjoy some Bosch Beer and Space Crack. Also, knife fights are strictly prohibited in favor of much more interesting 20mm mortar duels and paper machete/jello wrestling.
NEXT
We've got a new target, bearing 192 by 328 by 291! Commence plasma core insertion! FIRE!
*clears throat*
Hello, tofu. I am admiral InfernoGod, writer of the useless freespace report. And stuff. Instructions can be found below:
Exits are to the sides and rear. Water guns are under the seats for what they're worth. One or two might even have holy water. If you encounter any Shivans while crawling in the air ducts, hopefully it's only Carl. Give him your lunch and hope he doesn't kill you with his fusion-cannon-thingy. Plasma rifles are located in the lockers up front. However these can only be opened by [V], God, an Admin, or a hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Do not try to enter the control room as it is guarded by claymore mines. Thank you, and enjoy your stay!
Now, if you will plz get in the line so we can collect your head:
If you need a map of the first floor, look at this link: http://www.hard-light.net/forums/index.php/topic,29504..0.html It's the one at the bottom that was completed by an0n.
Enjoy your stay.
NEXT
Gunnery Control, target shadow_orion14. Open fire!
Welcome to the the HLP BB. Exits are to the sides and rear. Don't plan on using them though, someone let the hosted projects put all their stuff in there so they're all but inaccessable. In the event of an emergency, flamethrowers are stowed under your seat but since we've been out of napalm since late '01 you'll have to use it as a kudgel. There are pulse rifles and assorted heavy weapons in the lockers up front; these can be opened only by admins, , God, or a hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. These weapons are reserved for the Apocalypse, bad April Fools jokes, and the release of FS3, in that order, so don't get your hopes up about using them. In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device, and you'll find a week's supply of Bosch Beer hidden inside. There's a 95% probability that the beer isn't actually beer, and no one is really sure why you'd need a floatation device in deep space, but hopefully these will provide some small comfort.
Feel free to get aquainted with the place while you're here, and do be careful when exploring the ventilation systems. If you encounter a large 5-limbed creature, don't panic. Just set down your lunch and back away very slowly. If you're lucky it will just be Carl, our resident shivan, who responds quite well to bribes of food. If it's not Carl, and it's in a good mood, at least your death should be quick and painless. If you're particularly unlucky though you might get dragged into a religion or politics thread, in which case may God have mercy on your soul. Stay clear of trouble, and you'll be fine.
Enjoy your stay!
NEXT
hmmmm.
*spots a newbie (only 1 post)
*doesn't see any of the older guys around
You do realize that tihs is a VERY old version of SCP that you have downloaded. I suggest you go to the Wiki to find out more about an up-to-date version of the exe
Flamethrowers are under the seat, but are empty. Use the shotguns instead - if you see Carl, dont shoot. Give him your lunch (or lunch money) and he'll leave you alone. Dont flame the SCP gods, drool over the Environmental build, and dont play a subspace mission if you feel dizzy.
Karajoma's FAQ is your friend, but the Wiki is even closer. Have a nice day
NEXT
Do I always have to be the one? At Tuvok: Target Locked, Fire!!!
Welcome to the Hard Light Production Facility. Current topside temperature is 3000 degrees centigrade. Take note of any rogue ships outside. If you are attacked by a Zephyr, grab a nailgun and blow it in half. If attacked by a Spitfire, RUN!!! In case of an emergency, please allow the women, children, and Vasudans to leave first. Should you require weapons (nailguns aside), there is a flamethrower underneath your chair, but those are full of water, so I hope you brought your own stuff. If not, in case of attack, just run screaming at the enemy and hope something happens. In regards to the plasma rifles in the weapons lockers, only an Admin, a Volition god, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue may open them. If you decide to explore our wonderful ducts, you may encounter Carl, our resident Shivan. If you do, just give him your lunch and back away slowly. If he gets mad......screw it, you're dead. Thank you, and have a pleasant stay.
My first welcome speech! 
Did I do alright?
NEXT
Primary energy cells charged. Target locked. Commence firing sequence.
Welcome to HLP. There are exits to the left and rear, but do not try to use them. One has a black hole in it and the other leads to a political discussion. If you are looking for a flamethrower, you'll find one under your seat. Unfortunately, we're out of napalm, so you'll have to bludgeon people to death with them.
In the event of serious conflict, there are plasma rifles in the forward locker, though these can only be opened by an Admin, [V], God, or Hyperintelligent shade of the colour Blue. If, for whatever reason, you find yourself crawling around in the ductwork, there's a better than average chance you'll encounter a Shivan. They're easy to spot with the five legs and all. If you're lucky, it's just Carl, who responds well to food rewards. If not, then at least you die quickly. The entrance to the main control room is guarded by subspatial claymore mines.
Do not mention FS3. Karajorma's FAQ, wiki and the search button are you best friends. Sacrifice a small rodent for SCP team's glory every weekend. Have a pleasant stay.
Aeon9570 and Jimby, you've just been officially welcomed to HLP
NEXT
Originally posted by InfernoGod
*sigh* i'm not going to go thru my usual welcoming ordeal.
Exits are to the sides and rear. Personal flamethrowers are located under the seats, but they're probably full of water so you'll need your own napalm. Don't go crawling through the air vents as they're infested with Shivans. However, if you do encounter any Shivans, it's just Carl. Give him your lunch and run away. *breathes* Plasma rifles are located in the lockers up front. However these can only be opened by [V], God, an Admin, or a hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Do not try to enter the control room as it is guarded by subspatial claymore mines. Thank you, and enjoy your stay!
Interesting find, tho. Very interesting.
NEXT
Exits are to the front and rear. In case of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. There are napalm throwers under the seats, but they're full of water; you'll have to use them as bludgeons. Plasma rifles are available in the weapons lockers, which can only be opened by an admin, God,
, or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. If you find yourself crawling through the ventilation shafts and come across a Shivan, don't worry, it's only Carl. Just give him your lunch, and he should leave you alone. Enjoy your stay!
(Apologies to any veterans if I screwed it up; this is the first time I've had the honor of delivering the welcome speech.
)
NEXT
Hey MachMan, always nice to get fresh blood around here. In fact..............Target locked, fire!
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions Installation. For a more detailed view of our operation, please view the highlighted thread "Hard Light Productions Installation". Current topside temperature is a nice 5000 centigrade. Please take note of any passing ships; just roll down your viewport and scream "get out of the way!" if it gets bad. You will note on our detailed map that we have plasma rifles in the weapons lockers, but those are only openable by administrators, Volition gods, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue, so tough beans. You will be supplied with a flamethrower, but due to budget cuts, they are filled with water. If you hear frightening noises, don't worry, it's probably a Shivan, an asteroid, or an0n. If you decide to go into the ducts you may encounter our most well-known Shivan, Carl. Just give him your lunch and back away. If he gets pissed, I hope for his and your sakes you're a meaty one. Thank you and have a pleasant stay.
NEXT
Nomad_Wanderer!
Welcome to Hard Light Productions. Many people will lead you to believe that there are exits through out the building, but the real truth is that when you entered the building you came through a one-way door. There are several weapons available for use, from flamethrowers to plasma rifles, but the lack of napalm and the old age of the plasma rifles only make them good for bludgeoning tools. If for some reason you find yourself venturing into the airducts you will encounter a shivan, if it's Carl then just hand over your lunch and you may get out alive. Also be sure to use the search function regularly and don't ever, ever mention the words Freespace and the number 3 together (bad things have happened). Enjoy your stay.
NEXT
I have difficulties pronouncing it.
Welcome to HLP. There are exits to the left and rear. Do not attempt to use them. Under your seat you will find empty beer cans, cookie crumbs, corpses of newbies, dog eared dungeon Porn mags left by Shrike... oh, and a Flamethrower. Unfortunately, we're out of napalm, so you'll have to bludgeon people to death with them.
In the event of serious conflict, there are plasma rifles in the forward locker, though these can only be opened by an Admin, [V], God, or Hyperintelligent shade of the colour Blue. If, for whatever reason, you find yourself crawling around in the ductwork, there's a better than average chance you'll encounter a Shivan. They're easy to spot with the five legs and all. If you're lucky, it's just Carl, who responds well to food rewards. If not, then at least you die quickly. Be aware that the entrance to the main control room is guarded by subspatial claymore mines.
Do not mention FS3. Karajorma's FAQ is your friend. Worship SCP team as Gods. Have a nice day.
NEXT
Hey, Wild Fragaria, I have something to say to you:
Welcome to HLP, newcomer. We, the proud and little FreeSpace community, are glad that there are still people interested in this game. If you do not happen to be particularly interested in this game, you should stop reading the text in italic.
It is a general tradition at HLP that we zap the newest member using a weapon like this:
That said we modified the original GTVA beam cannon which is hazardless for friendly fire. The beam we fired at you was successfully absorbed by your Newbie Protection Shield technology(developed in January, 2002). Use the power you absorbed to contribute to the work of the community. To find you way how to assist the HLP people, go to FRED Academy and make a foray.
Enjoy your stay and keep your Newbie Protection System active all the time until you are officially promoted to Senior Member. Avoid asking about FreeSpace 3. Do a search and you will know why.
Thank you for reading all this piece of writing, let me wish you good luck and a happy stay!
NEXT
Hey Bluemoon,
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions facility. Current topside temperature is an unusually cold 900 degrees centigrade, but that will change. The only things you really need to worry about around here are the odd Shivan attack, an0n, or an occasional flamewar. In case of true emergency, allow women, children, and any non-Terran personnel to leave first. If you require a weapon, there is a flamethrower under your seat, but due to budget cuts and the recent move, they are filled with water. The plasma rifles in the weapons lockers are only accessible by an admin, V-god, or hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue. If you are assigned to duct maintenance duty, you may encounter Carl, the HLP Shivan resident. If you do, give him your lunch and he may go away. If not, beg for death. Perhaps he will make it relatively painless. Thank you and have a pleasant stay.
NEXT
Guys, where are your manners?
Gunnery Control, power up welcome beam cannons. Target TychoCelchuuu, and Fire!
Welcome to HLP. Exits are to the sides and rear. In the event of an emergency, your seat can be used as an emergency floatation device and there are flamethrowers in the footlockers in front of you. (I should probably take the to mention that we're out of napalm, so you'll have to use the flamethrower as a kudgel; and quite frankly, no one is quite sure why you'd need a floatation device in deep space)
In the event of true catastrophy, defined as the apocalypse, assault on the forum by alien life, or FS3 (in that order), there are plasma rifles and heavy munitions in the lockers up front; these can be opened only by the admins, , God, or a hyperintelligent shade of the color blue.
If you encounted a strange, red, five-limbed creature while exploring the ventillation system, set down your lunch and back away slowly. If you're lucky, it's only Carl, our resident Shivan, and he responds well to food rewards. If you're not so fortunate, you can expect to get atomized by a plasma beam or worse: dragged into a politics or religion thread.
Enjoy your stay!
NEXT
Originally posted by nuclear1
I suppose I should be the first to then...
Welcome to HLP! Enjoy your stay, something about Carl, a little bit here about flamethrowers/pulse rifles/shade of blue...
pfft...thats not a welcome speech!
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions facility. This tram is now headed to Sector G, and will arive in thirthy-three minutes.
Please note that in case of emergency, all disabled and elderly members must be evacuated first, with priority being on the women (but not the mean and evil ones). Should we come under massive alien invasion, there is a flamethrower packed underneath your chair. However, due to budget cuts we can only fill them up with water. There are plasma rifles in the lockers up front, but these can only be opened by , an admin or a hyper-intelligence shade of the color blue.
Should you ever find yourself crawling through the vents, you may encounter Carl the shivan. Just give him your lunch and he should leave you alone. If he doesn't though - well, sorry to say you're toast.
We hope you enjoy your stay here and that you have a safe and productive day. Thank you
NEXT
The movies are on Fractux' FTP. Check out the SCP(when the forum comes back (:wink: at Sandy).
There are flamethrowers under the seats, but they are only half full, and the igniters are shot so you'll have to bludgeon with them. Be careful if you find yourself in the ductwork. If you see a dark shape moving toward you put whatever food you have on the duct in front of you, back away and pray that it's just Carl. One last thing, be excellent to each other.
NEXT
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water, so bring your own Napalm or try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts. If you see a large, five-limbed creature that looks really pissed, it's probably Carl, give him your lunch and he'll hopefully go away. If you see a big desert creature its probably Raa, give him a fish and he might leave your head alone. In the event of an emergency, the n00bs will be the last into the escape pods, if there's any room left. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin, [V] God, or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't mention the word Freespace followed by the number 3.
Woah! Good start to your HLP "career"!
NEXT
All batteries... target m. Open fire!
Welcome to the HLP forums, m. Current top-side temperature is 40532 degrees centigrade, with internal temperatures being in the somewhat high side of 30 degrees centigrade.
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are usually filled with dihydrogen monoxide, chemical formula H
2O. If this is the case, you could try to use the rusty old shotguns in the weapon closet as clubs. Oh, and if you hear any strange noises from the ventilation shafts, don't worry, it's just Carl the Shivan; he likes to lurk in there. If you happen to cross him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray fast and hard. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin, a
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't irritate karajorma, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
*looks at kara*
*screams: jk! don't shoot!*
*runs*
jr2 was killed by a projectile from karajorma.
NEXT
Welcome to the HLPBB. Exits are located to your right, left and to the forward section of the installation. Flamethrowers (which have been filled only with water for ages now) are located under your seats. Access to the plasma rifles in the weapons locker is restricted to admins, V-gods, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue. Make sure to visit disco Inferno and our exclusive headz bar while you are here. If you are on duct maintenance duty, and encounter Carl the Shivan while doing so, give him your lunch and he'll leave you alone. If you do not, you just may find out what Shivans do to people they abduct, like Bosch
. Thank you and have a pleasant stay.
NEXT
Welcome to HLP. Please keep all appendages within the installation at all times. Flamethrowers are located underneath all seats, however, due to the rising cost of oil, the ID / evolution debate (don't debate me on Whether or not there is a debate),
, and the meaning of life, the napalm has been replaced with Holy Water. Plasma rifles are located in the weapons locker, but only Admins,
, or a hyper-intelligent shade of blue have access to these areas. If you meet a Shivan in the ductwork it is most likely Carl, give him your lunch and back away slowly, odds are good you'll be fine. Recommend reading includes
Karajorma's Freespace FAQ for general questions, and
The Freespace Wiki for specific issues and questions.
In your case I'd say that reading the posts in the various threads would help a lot.
edited to just be unhelpful, as opposed to stupidNEXT
target acquired
range bearing set
fire forward BFGreen battery on supremacy
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
NEXT
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions facility. This tram is now headed to Sector G, and will arive in thirthy-three minutes.
Please note that in case of emergency, all disabled and elderly members must be evacuated first, with priority being on the women (but not the mean and evil ones). Should we come under massive alien invasion, there is a flamethrower packed underneath your chair. However, due to budget cuts we can only fill them up with water. There are plasma rifles in the lockers up front, but these can only be opened by
, an admin or a hyper-intelligence shade of the color blue.
Should you ever find yourself crawling through the vents, you may encounter Carl the shivan. Just give him your lunch and he should leave you alone. If he doesn't though - well, sorry to say you're toast.
We hope you enjoy your stay here and that you have a safe and productive day. Thank you
NEXT
Welcome to the HLPBB. Exits are located to your right, left and to the forward section of the installation. Flamethrowers (which have been filled only with water for ages now) are located under your seats. Access to the plasma rifles in the weapons locker is restricted to admins, V-gods, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue. Make sure to visit disco Inferno and our exclusive headz bar while you are here. If you are on duct maintenance duty, and encounter Carl the Shivan while doing so, give him your lunch and he'll leave you alone. If you do not, you just may find out what Shivans do to people they abduct, like Bosch
. Thank you and have a pleasant stay.
NEXT
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Finally, don't call Kalfireth Thunder. He doesn't like to be reminded of his former schizophrenic personalities.
NEXT
system tracking... target acquired... fire main batter!
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn't work, pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Finally, don't call Kalfireth Thunder. He doesn't like to be reminded of his former schizophrenic personalities.
PS
fire main batter
NEXT
Begin reactor core insertion. Target Faro. Gunnery Control, open fire!
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions forums, Faro. Current top-side temperature is 40532 degrees centigrade, with internal temperatures being in the somewhat high side of 30 degrees centigrade.
Currently en-route to the Freespace Campiagns forums. In the case of a disaster or an attack from interplay, all personnel are to evacuate the train regardless of if you are near a train station or above a pitch-black pit of death. In case of emergency, there are flamethrowers underneath yuor seat, but due to budget cuts and constraints, we have no napalm with which to fill them, so all they shoot now is water. There are plasma pistols in the lockers up front, but these lockers may only be opened by an Admin, a
god or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue.
Please avoid crawling through the air vents unless completely possible, as they are currently reserved for Carl the shivan. If you see Carl and he is schreeching at you, pray to high heaven and run the other way without looking back. If you see him and he isn't screeching at you, just leave your lunch and he'll leave you alone...usually.
Please refrain from mentioning the evil three-letter word known as FS3, else you will incite the re-incarnation of the demon known as Derek Smart. Do not mention his name three times, or else all our work will come to naught.
We hope you have enjoyed your trip. Have a safe, and productive day!
NEXT
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Finally, don't call Kalfireth Thunder. He doesn't like to be reminded of his former schizophrenic personalities.
NEXT
Welcome to the Hard Light Production Facility. Current topside temperature is 3000 degrees centigrade. Current indoor temperature will be on the slightly warm side of 24 degrees centigrade. We are currently inbound to TBP forums. Please watch out for the whitestars and rogue cruisers. In case of an emergency, please allow the elderly or disabled to leave first, regardless if you are at a platform or not. Should you require weapons, there is a flamethrower underneath the chair, but due to budget cuts, they are only filled with water. As for the plasma rifles in the weapons lockers, only an Admin, a
god, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue may open them. Should you ever become like Gordon freeman and go into the ventilation systme, you may encounter Carl the shivan. If you do, just give him your lunch and he may just leave you alone. If he doesn't, then start running and watch the beam cannon.
We hope that you enjoy your stay here at HLP. Have a safe, and productive day
NEXT
Welcome to the Hard Light Productions facility. Current topside temperature is -200 Degrees Centrigrade. Currently enroute to the primary forum facility.
For your own safety, please keep all limbs inside the tram. In case of emergency, plasma beam rifles are kept in the lockers up front, but these can only be opened by
, an Admin, or a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue. The entrance to the driver's cabin is gaurded by sub-spatial claymore mines, so don't go there! In case you end up going through the vents there is a good chance you'll encounter Carl the shivan. Just give him your lunch and you'll be fine, otherwise be assured you'll have a quick and relatively painless death.
Do not mention FS3, or repeat the name Derek Smart more than two times. Either of these actions will result in painful fates. Karajoma's FAQ and the FSDoc Wiki are your best friends. Ph34r Bosch and don't try to figure out the mystery of hte shivans - it'll just make your mind explode. If you see a
dude, consider yourself blessed.
Please wait for the guard to open the Tram. Ignore the blatantly large gun at his hip, and instead look straight forwards whilst we pickpocket your wallets and pockets.
Welcome to HLP, and have a safe and productive day!
NEXT
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… run. And pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem
NEXT
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
NEXT
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
NEXT
Welcome (back)!!
Just some friendly reminders since you've been away so long...
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
NEXT
Welcome to HLP!
Exits are to your right and left, and flamethrowers are under your seat. Be careful, though, as they are sometimes filled with water. If this is the case, try to club someone with the non-working shotguns in the weapon closet. Also, be careful while wandering the ventilation shafts, because sometimes Carl the Shivan lurks in there. If you happen to come across him, just toss him your lunch and hope that it satisfies him. If it doesn’t… pray. In the event of an emergency, you can and will be used as a flotation device. The Plasma rifles in the forward locker are released only under authorization of an Admin,
God, and/or hyperintelligent shade of the color blue. Oh, and whatever you do, don't hit on Tiara, no matter how good of an idea it might seem.
Flamethrowers and Type IV Phaser rifles are located under the seats and in the cabinets to the far right. If you happen to run into ZylonBane, avoid him so that you won't have to face the irony or sarcasm.
Watch out for the giant, red, five-legged things in the airvents; they're mainly just Carl and Killfrenzy looking for girlfriends.
THE FOLLOWING WELCOMES DON'T MENTION CARL THE SHIVAN, AND SO WEREN'T PICKED UP...
NEXT
Welcome to the HLP Forums!!
Exits are to the rear and left, in case of emergency shotguns are located under the seats.
------------------
Brain over...
Insert coin
NEXT
*Warning* You have now passed into the area known as HLP, warning traveling here is dangerous, so travel at your own risk and tread litely.Warning do not feed the animals,as they have mutated by the agent *Freespace2. They will bite, and infect you with this virus, in effect making you like them.
They may seam sweet by looks, but react very harshly to the words FS3, and those words are never to be spoken, unless your hapless body be shreaded in a moments notice.
You may carry a flamethrower, however it cannot have fuel. The creatures feed on the flames and can do harm to themselves and the area arond them.
Their nature is to eat, sleep and dream about the unknown word SCP,the meaning of this word is not yet known, but they are allways slowly working on it, while getting wrapped up more in it by every second.
Also of note, some have shown intelligence, however they are the most dangerous, as they are unstable.
We have observed three types of these creatures:
The first are the most common the are called the Forumites, as the majority they speak their minds about everything, complaining their likes and dis-likes to the Modders and Coders. Often the forumites and a group of the Modders called the Modelers get in arguements concerning the unknown phrase "canon" however all atemps to figure out what it means has failed.
The Second group is known as the Modders and they are split into two groups.
the first called the Moddelers. What they do is mostly unknown, but what they do is very important to the creatures. They also tend to get in arguements with the forumites and sometimes with the powerful Coders. They tend to do what they want, whether enbraced or shunned by the rest of the community.
The Second group of Modders is the Freders. As with the Moddelers their place and work is unknown. They are rarely observed, as they tend to lurk around. However one of the sports is bug hunting, what kind of bugs they hunt is not known.
The Third group of creatures is the powerful Coders, it has been said they can change reality as they see fit, and have the ability to turn whoever angers them into monkeys. They show the most intelligence, and the community follows their every footstep.
As you tread thru this land, watch your back and be safe, unless you be turned and join this ever growing force of creatures as they try to take over the gaming world..
NEXT
"We are the HLP. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your programs and models will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service us."
"You will be assimilated."
"we are the HLP....Resistance is futile."
NEXT
WE ARE HARD LIGHT PRODUCTIONS. YOU WILL LOWER YOUR FIREWALLS AND SURRENDER YOUR COMPUTERS. WE WILL ADD YOUR INTELLECTUAL AND VERNACULAR DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. YOUR FORUM WILL ADAPT TO SERVICE US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
NEXT
Hey, Rod!
WELCOME TO THE HLP BB!!!!
In case of an emergency, exits are to the rear and left. THe shotguns that used to be under your seats are currently being upgraded to use TMAR and energy rounds. Until them, plastic
boink hammers have ben provided, free of charge!
*Ka-BOINK*Now that's the way you should greet all the newbies over at the Seriously! forums - and yes, I'm completely
serious[/b]!
<--- See? Even my title says so...
NEXT
Hey. another Left Behind fan!
Stick around, we're all friends here. Just stay away from an0n, he's a little crazy. And Carl and Killfrenzy, the resident Shivans. Flamethrowers are located behind the seats, plasma rifles in the lockers to the back, exits
here and
here, and your seat can be used as a flotation device in case of an emergency.
WELCOME TO THE HLP BB!NEXT
Welcome to the HLP BB!
Exits are down and to the left in case of an emergency and shotguns are under the seats.
Remember don't
old topics unless you have a
idea why.
Don't spam (post pointless topics). It makes people very
.
Thank you for your time!
NEXT
